This is a complete transcript of the episode Bionic Birthday Fail.


Bree: Guys, I have a bad feeling. Let's get out of here.

( martial arts yells )

Rebel Leader: Aaaah!

( crash )

( Klaxon sounds )

Donald: Adam, that was the Rebel Leader. The whole purpose of today's mission simulation was to interrogate him.

Adam: I did, and his answer was, "Aaaaah!"

Bree: Hey, next time could you maybe throw in a cute, blue-eyed rebel? What? I'm just sayin'. It's not gonna kill you to add a little somethin'-somethin' for the ladies.

Leo: Step aside, amateurs. Go ahead, Big D. Set it to "awesome."

Donald: Leo, these goggles are not a toy.

Leo: Come on! My birthday's coming up-- Globally known as "Dia De Leo."

Donald: No. I designed the mission simulator to fine-tune their bionics, not to go on 3-D joyrides. Besides, you're not trained for it.

Leo: Well, how about as a birthday gift you give me a bionic ability?

Donald: Or I could gift-wrap reality and you could play with that for a while.

Chase: So Leo's having a birthday. What are you, like, nine?

Leo: Fourteen.

( laughs )

Chase: No, seriously.

Bree: So how are you gonna celebrate?

Leo: We're all going to celebrate. Every year my mom throws me a big surprise party.

Adam: Really?

Leo: Last year she baked a cake the size of me. I'm not gonna brag, but I was delicious.

. . .

Tasha: Guess what? I just found out that I won an award for my undercover reporting on expired produce: "Something in the crisper can kill you."

Donald: Congratulations! That's so great!

Tasha: Oh, thank you. But the awards banquet is the same night as Leo's birthday. I'm sorry, honey. I'm gonna miss it. If I don't show up, I'm afraid that they're gonna give my award to that overdramatic screen hog Linda Montieres.

Leo: It's okay, mom. Go have fun. You deserve it. Hey.

Bree: I thought she was gonna throw you a party. I was promised a party!

Leo: Every year she comes up with this lame excuse to make me think she's not throwing me a party. Award? Please. Have you seen her reporting?

Tasha: Leo, are you sure you're not mad? We've never been apart on your birthday.

Adam: Oh, please! He'll have plenty of birthdays, but who knows if you'll ever win anything again.

Leo: Mom, go get your award. ( coughs ) Chocolate frosting!

Tasha: I promise we will celebrate the following night.

Bree: Hey, why haven't we ever had a birthday party?

Tasha: Donald! You never celebrated their birthdays?

Donald: Of course I celebrated their birthdays. Remember when we-- When we went to the-- Yeah, I never celebrated their birthdays.

Tasha: Did you also eat all the cookies before Santa came down the chimney?

Bree: What's Santa?

Tasha: Oh, come on!

Donald: And why would you give them cookies?

Leo: This is going to be the best birthday ever. The size of the party is equal to the size of the excuse. I'm gonna go work on my surprised face.

Adam: Whoo-hoo! Leo's having a surprise party!

Chase: Adam, if Leo was having a surprise party, don't you think we'd be invited?

Adam: Yeah, you're right. Who does Tasha think she is not inviting us?

Bree: No. Tasha and Davenport really are going to an awards ceremony. This is horrible. Leo's gonna be so disappointed.

Chase: Unless we throw him a surprise party and invite everyone from school.

Bree: Well, what do we know about throwing a surprise party?

Adam: Well, if it was me, I'd want a bouncy house. And a pinata. Wait. And a clown. No, wait. Put the pinata on the clown, in the bouncy house, and hit everything at once. Candy's bound to come out of somewhere.

Bree: Whoa! Let's invite Glitterhead! You know that internet star who sings her songs in sign language. You might have heard of her latest CD-- "Talk to the hand."

Chase: No, no, no. Leo would want something cool at his party, like those sci-fi mutants from his favorite television show. Shark Man! And Flipper Boy!

Adam: That's your favorite TV show.

Chase: It could be his also.

Bree: Ya know, Leo's a great brother. Why don't we just give him all three?

Adam: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! We're havin' a party! Leo's gonna be so surprised. I'm gonna go tell him.

Chase: Adam.

Adam: Oh, right. Well, I'm going to go tell Leo he's not having a surprise party. That was close. He almost found out.

. . .

Leo: Wow! A tuxedo. You are really committing to this thing.

Donald: Look, Leo, I'm really sorry we're missing your birthday. But wait till you see the gift I got you. It is whoa-amazing-I-can't-believe-he's-my-stepdad-tastic!

Leo: Is it a robotic snake? Is it a remote-controlled tank that fires real lasers? Is it a real tank that fires fake lasers? Then I hope you kept the receipt.

Donald: Eddy. Look what I got Leo for his birthday. It's a hexacopter. I scored the only prototype in existence.

Eddy: Oh, that's so cool. Wanna know what I got him? A big box of nothing!

Donald: Coulda got knocked around a little in shipping. I should probably test it out first.

Eddy: Yeah, open it! Open it!

Donald: Oh. Ooh...

( chuckles )

Donald: No remotes. You control it with your mind.

( beeps )

Donald: Ha ha ha ha! Okay. Fly, hexacopter. Oh. Ooh. Ha ha! Oh. Fly! Fly!!!! Yeah! Whoa! Gahh!

Eddy: Told you not to open it.

Tasha: Donald! Hey, Leo, we're leaving!

Leo: Okay, here I come!

Tasha: We're on our way out.

Leo: Ohhh. Well, I will just walk you to the door, then. I'm approaching the front door. I have my hand on the handle. I'm gonna open it. Surpri--

Donald: Thanks for the play by play. Shall we?

Tasha: Goodbye, baby.

Leo: Oh, I see. They're gonna get in the car, drive away, turn around, then everyone's gonna hop out the bushes. That's right, convincingly pull out of the driveway... Look at them gettin' on the freeway like they have somewhere to be. Hey, where you goin'?! It's my birthday!

. . .

Chase: Wait a second. How are we gonna get all these balloons upstairs without Leo noticing?

Adam: Oh, no problem.

( grunts )

Leo: Guys, my mom's actually going to an awards banquet. She's not throwing me a surprise party.

Chase: Oh, no! That's awful! We gotta go.

Adam: Later, bro.

Leo: Hey, where you goin'? It's my birthday!

Chase: Eddy, we're moving the party prep upstairs. Keep Leo in the lab until I give you the signal.

Eddy: Wait. So you want me to hold the poor kid against his will? I'm in!

Leo: Eddy, open these doors.

Eddy: Oh, but if I did that, I'd ruin the surprise party they're planning for you.

Leo: They're throwing me a surprise party?

Eddy: Yeah, what a bunch of lame-o's. I wouldn't expect much.

. . .

Bree: Welcome to Leo's surprise party. When he comes up remember to scream real loud and pretend you're his friend.

Adam: Oh! Check it out! I ordered a break-dancing clown. Hey, Bobby, show us some of your sweet moves. Oh, yeah. Yeah! Isn't he awesome? Two weeks ago he was a car salesman. Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

( cheers, applause )

( inhales )

Chase: Welcome, Shark Man and Flipper Boy! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! I knew the second I saw you guys something was fishy. Come on, guys, I don't want to make waves.

Adam: Okay, let's go get Leo.

Bree: It's Glitterhead! She actually came straight off the internet and into my living room! I'm not gonna lie. She's kind of freakin' me out.

( dance )

Adam: Bouncy house in the house!!!

( pops )

Adam: Oh, man. What's this thing made out of, plastic and air?

. . .

Leo: What is taking them so long? Eddy, bring up the great room on the monitor. What?! Eddy, unlock this door.

Eddy: Not until I get the signal. Otherwise it could ruin the surprise.

Leo: But they're celebrating without me!

Eddy: That's nothing. Wait till they start opening your gifts.

Leo: No! No! Eddy! Eddy, unlock the door! Open this door! Open the door!

. . .

( blowing )

Adam: How's it looking, guys?

Chase: Almost there. Keep going.

Donald: What in the name of the newly grounded is going on here?

Bree: We threw an awesome surprise birthday party for Leo.

Tasha: Oh! That is so sweet, you guys.

Donald: Right. Hiding behind the Leo shield. Well played.

Tasha: Speaking of which, where is Leo?

Donald: Yeah.

Eddy: He's right here.

Leo: Where I've been for the past three hours!!!

Eddy: Yep, just waiting for the signal.

Chase: Eddy, let Leo upstairs now.

Eddy: All rightie, there's my signal.

Donald: Let me get this straight. So you guys had a surprise party for Leo... Without Leo. ( laughing ) That's-- That's actually kind of fu-- It's not funny. It's not funny.

Chase: Okay, well, uh, Leo's gonna be up here in just a few seconds. Why don't we act like the party's still going on, okay?

All: Surprise!

( noisemakers toot )

Bree: Whoo!

Leo: I thought my first birthday with you guys was gonna be awesome. And you know what? It probably was. But I wouldn't know, because I wasn't invited!

. . .

Tasha: Honey, I know your birthday was a bit of a bust, but I think I know what will make it better. Donald, give him your gift.

Leo: Yeah, Big D. Maybe your awesome-tastical gift can cheer me up after being totally forgotten!

Donald: What, that gift? You don't want that gift. You know what? Just give me the number that'll keep the tears back. What do you say?

Chase: Mr. Davenport, just give him your gift.

Donald: You know, I would, but I forgot where it was.

Adam: Oh, no, it's right here. It's in the closet behind a bunch of stuff.

Donald: Thanks, Adam. Good eye.

Leo: Aaah...

( laughing )

( stops laughing )

Donald: Well, great, Leo. You broke it.

. . .

Donald: I am the worst dad ever. Well, don't all disagree with me at once. You know, I'm just gonna glue this hexacopter back together.

Chase: Well, yeah, sure. Now he'll forgive you, but what about us?

Donald: Guys, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm kind of in the "Me" business.

Bree: I feel terrible. We should have just done what Leo wanted.

Chase: Wait a second. What Leo really wanted was to go on a mission with us in the simulator. So that's exactly what he's gonna do.

Adam: Yeah, but Mr. Davenport said we couldn't.

Chase: We'll just swipe the cyber key away from Mr. Davenport so we can start the simulator ourselves.

Bree: That is sneaky, conniving, and totally rebellious. We are finally normal teenagers!

. . .

Chase: (whispering) Okay, Mr. Davenport keeps the cyber key on the left side of his desk.

Bree: If we're gonna do this, we have to be still.

Adam: I got this. Hello, Mr. Davenport. Look at you, playing with your big boy toys.

Donald: Hey, Adam.

Adam: What is that?!

Donald: Uh, that would be a wall, Adam.

Adam: You are correct, sir.

. . .

Leo: Let me guess. You're gonna lock me down here and go on vacation.

Chase: Leo, it's time for your birthday mission.

Leo: But Mr. Davenport said I'm not supposed to play with these. But Mr. Davenport isn't here. All right! Let's go!

( simulator beeps )

Leo: No offense, guys, but this is a seriously expensive let-down. Hey! Now we're talkin'! Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Guys! A little help here!

Adam: Chase, show him how it's done.

Chase: Leo, you're up! Use your force field!

Leo: What?! I don't have a-- Ohh! I have a force field! I'm bionic! Yes! Yes! Finally!

Bree: Time to get your blur on. Go!

Leo: Wait. If I can do this...

Adam: Go ahead, birthday boy, throw me across the room!

Leo: How do you resist the temptation to do that to me every day? Oh, you want some of this. Welcome to Dia De Leo! Heyahh!

Chase: I don't understand! This rebel is programmed with more sophisticated moves than I've ever seen!

Leo: Hey, it's not cool to make me lose on Dia De Leo!

Donald: Yeah? And it's not cool to steal someone's cyber key.

Bree: Oh, man, you were supposed to be good-looking. I mean, no offense. I'm sure you're eye candy to old people.

Donald: Leo, I told you to stay out of the simulator. You're not prepared for it.

Leo: Big D, watch out!

Donald: Or maybe you are. That was great, Leo! Awesome!

Leo: So does that mean I get to use the simulator whenever I want?

Donald: No! That just means I have to crank up the difficulty about 100% to make it challenging for these guys-- Who are in big trouble.

Chase: We're sorry we took your cyber key. We had to make it up to Leo for messing up his birthday.

Leo: And Big D, if you would have given them a party of their own, they may not have had to hijack mine.

Donald: I got it. Birthdays matter.

Chase: Yeah, you should know-- You've had enough of 'em. What are you, like, fifty?

Donald: I'm thirty-eight.

( all laughing )

Chase: No, seriously.

Donald: Ha ha. Okay, who's up for some kick-boxing on Mars?

Leo: Yes!

Chase: Yeah!

Leo: See, this is what birthdays are about-- Kickin' butt as a family. It's time for a hug.

Tasha: This place is never gonna stop being weird.

. . .

Donald: All right, Leo. I know... You really wanted the Hexacopter for your birthday. So I spent all week studying the broken one, and I reverse-engineered this one from scratch!

Leo: Wow! A Davenport original!

Donald: A Davenport original.

Leo: I can sell this online and make a fortune!

Donald: What?

Leo: I mean, thank you!

Donald: All right. Put this on, and you control it with your mind. Happy birthday, Leo.

Leo: Awesome! Let's do this.

Donald: Yeah! Yeah! Try and make it go higher. There you go. There-- Aaah!

Leo: Aaah!

Donald: Wha! Leo, what were you thinking?!

Leo: I was thinking I hope it doesn't crash into that wall.

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