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Can I Borrow the Helicopter?/Transcript

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This is a complete transcript of the episode Can I Borrow the Helicopter?.

Transcript

Bree: Caitlin, calm down, okay? Calm down.

Chase: Yes, Caitlin, calm down!

Adam: Yeah, you need to CHILL OUT!

( both laughing )

Bree: Uhh! Hey, Rodney breaks up with you every two weeks. That is, like, totally normal. No! No, don't cry, don't cry.

( Caitlin screaming )

Bree: Okay, scream. Screaming is good.

Chase: Screaming is so good.

( both shrieking )

Bree: I am so sick of you! No, no, no! I'm not sick of you, Caitlin. Maybe Rodney just needs some space.

Chase: Yeah, maybe Rodney's an astronaut!

Adam: Yeah, maybe he dumped Caitlin for a one-eyed Martian girl!

Bree: Caitlin, hold on!

Chase: Ooh!

( no audible sound )

Bree: Okay, what were you saying?

Chase: I got this.

( metallic clang )

( laughter )

Chase: I love magnets!

. . .

Bree: Mr. Davenport, I cannot stand them anymore. Can they please go live in your warehouse?

Donald: Bree, the warehouse is where I keep my explosive chemicals.

Bree: Like I said, can they please go live in your warehouse?

Tasha: Well, Donald, she is getting older. She needs privacy. Why don't you give her one of your extra rooms? You have like fourteen.

Donald: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I do not have any extra rooms.

Tasha: You have a pool table room, bumper car room, arcade room, surf simulator room, not to mention a room full of mirrors!

Donald: Yeah, or as I like to call it, a room full of me.

Tasha: Okay, Bree, you can have my sewing room.

Bree: Yes! So long, bozos!

Chase: Fine. Without you, we will make the lab totally awesome for ourselves.

Adam: That's right. No more hair scrunchies or rainbow-colored toe socks or pretty, pinky, shiny junk! Ooh, but I'm a little chapped. Could I borrow some of your Bubble Berry Pucker Bomb? Man, it's always so hard not to eat.

. . .

Game: Leo wins.

( chuckling )

Leo: Man, this is awesome. Bigger is always better, except for in this case, where the little just kicked the big guy's butt.

Donald: Uh, you know, Leo, I don't let just anybody use my holoscopic screen. You know, this is a big father/son moment for us.

Leo: Please don't make me play catch. That's just gonna get ugly. So, Big D, can I ask you a question?

Donald: I don't know. Can you?

( faint chuckle )

Leo: It's funny every time. So... let's say there's this girl you wanted to ask out.

Donald: I would never do that! What, your mom didn't put you up--? Oh, then never mind. Sorry. Carry on.

Leo: See, there's this girl I really like, and we like a lot of the same things: Science, comic books, and I... I thought she smiled at me one time, but instead of smiling back, I did one of these:

Donald: Leo, I-I think I know what you're trying to say. Um... You're in love!

Leo: No! No! I am not in love! I am not in love! I'm just carefully exploring my options as I venture into a place I like to call "Ladyland."

Donald: You have no idea what you're doing, do you?

Leo: Not a clue.

Donald: Well, the first time I met your mom, I offered her a ride in my futuristic, high-speed helicopter.

Leo: So I can borrow the helicopter?

Donald: That's a great idea-- In an alternate universe where bad ideas are great. Leo, what I'm trying to say is, you're like me. You know, you're smart and you're handsome, but people think you're a nerd, so you've gotta be flashy so they know how cool you are.

Leo: Okay. "Be flashy." Got it. I'm gonna try some of that on Janelle. But let's keep that between us, okay?

Donald: Absolutely. What happens in Ladyland stays in Ladyland.

. . .

( gong resounds softly )

( gong clangs loudly )

Adam: Whoo! So, I was looking for stuff to spruce up our new pad, and I found this awesome chair. Someone just left it on the curb with a "Take me, I'm free" sign on it. Suckas!

( coughing )

Adam: Oh, look, and it comes with a free chihuahua.

Chase: Adam! That's a rat!

Adam: Oh, good, then it won't keep me up with its barking.

Chase: Adam, get that chair out of here right now.

Adam: Well, if I do that, then where's the rat supposed to live?

Chase: How 'bout we check with the neighbors cat.

Adam: Hey, if you don't like my rat, why'd you buy him such a fancy little hot tub?

Chase: No! You keep that disease-ridden thing out of my zen fountain.

Adam: And if he can't swim in it, then I don't want it in here.

Chase: The fountain stays.

Adam: The rat stays.

Chase: Okay, there is only one solution for this. We'll have to split the room down the middle.

Adam: Fine. Me and my pet will be happy right over here.

Chase: Great. Then this will be my half.

Adam: Fine. Good news Mr. Little Paws. You and I are gonna be roomies. Oh, look! He's so excited, he made raisins!

. . .

Bree: Caitlin, can you believe it? I totally got my own room. Now I can give you misguided boyfriend advice in peace. What? Caitlin, I can't hear you.

( vacuuming )

Bree: Uh, Tasha! Tasha!

Tasha: Oh! Are you on the phone? Sorry. I'll just do something else.

Bree: Okay, Caitlin, where were we?

( pounding )

Tasha: Look, it's you and me: "Bff's." That's "Best friends forever."

Bree: I know.

Tasha: I'm just so excited to have you up here. Go ahead, pretend I'm not here.

Bree: Anyway, Caitlin, I would just give it some time, play it cool, and hopefully Rodney will come to his senses.

Tasha: Ooh. I wouldn't do that.

Bree: Uh, do you mind?

Tasha: Oh, sure. No problem. Caitlin, it's Tasha. You gotta show that boy who's boss. If it were me, I would grab him by the collar and I would say, "You are not gonna walk all over me, mister!"

( Caitlin crying )

Tasha: Oh, you're a crier. This is gonna take all night.

. . .

Donald: Ooh, honey. Guess who is the world's greatest stepdad-slash-inventor? According to this mug, it's me.

Tasha: I'm surprised it doesn't have your face on it.

Donald: Bam! Get this: Leo and I had a moment, and he told me about a girl.

Tasha: Well, what did he say?

Donald: Well, I can't. He asked me not to say anything-- Her name is Janelle!

Tasha: Aah! I knew it!

( laughing )

Donald: Wait, you knew? How did you--?

Tasha: Yesterday he slipped and asked me for a peanut butter and "Janelly" sandwich.

( laughter )

Tasha: I know her mother. This is so exciting!

Donald: He was having a little trouble talking to her, so I kind of helped him out in that department. "Go, dad, go."

Tasha: You didn't tell him the helicopter line, did you?

Donald: No. Yeah.

. . .

( knock on door )

Leo: Mom.

( knock on door )

Leo: Mom!

( knock on door )

Leo: Janelle! Okay. Leo, be calm. Think flashy. Well, hello there, Janelle. The strong wind in here blew the door shut.

Janelle: You don't have any windows open to create a cross breeze.

Leo: Suddenly I'm torn, because it's both good and bad you're smart enough to realize that. What are you doing here?

Janelle: Well, I'm supposed to pick up some cookies your mom made. I guess she knows my mom, and they do some kind of... weird cookie exchange.

Tasha: Leo! Who's at the door?

Leo: It's Janelle. She's here for the cookies.

Tasha: Oh, no. I ate them all. I'm such a pig. But here's an idea: Why don't you two make more. Leo is very handy in the kitchen. He would make a great husband one day.

Leo: Janelle, please don't take this the wrong way, but I did not want you to come here.

Janelle: Yeah, I could tell by the way you slammed the door in my face.

Leo: No, I-I had nothing to do with it. I-I mean I--

Janelle: Leo, I hate to bake, and I hear your mom coming, so I'm just gonna go.

Tasha: I got heart-shaped cookie cutters! Where'd she go?

Leo: Mom, why did you invite her here?

Tasha: Me? I didn't! Well, I wouldn't. Did she say--?

Leo: And what's up with Mr. "Blabbenport?" I spill my guts to him, and he blabs all about it.

Donald: Hey, buddy, what do you say we fire up the bumper cars?

Leo: You told my mom about Janelle! I'll never trust you again.

Tasha: This looks like a father/son moment, so... I'm just gonna mom my way out of it.

. . .

Leo: Nice cow. Is Davenport down here?

Chase: Nope.

Leo: Good. I'm mad at him, but I need one of his gadgets so I can be flashy for Janelle.

Chase: Leo, what are you talking about?

Leo: I'd love to tell you more, but I've lost my ability to trust.

Adam: Check it out: Another thing left for us on the street.

Chase: Adam, that was bolted to the sidewalk! You just stole private property.

Adam: Oh, no, don't worry, I left the newspapers on the ground. I just wanted the box. I'm running out of space. I think I might put it over here.

Chase: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you don't. This is my side.

Adam: Try and stop me.

Chase: I will. I set up an invisible electric fence. You went right-- Yoww!

Adam: Oh, no way! You were laughing so hard, you bent over like this-- Ohhh! Okay, that's starting to hurt!

Donald: Nice cow. Um, look, Leo, I'm really sorry I betrayed your trust. I just got really excited 'cause we had this nice father/son moment.

Leo: I got it. Fine. Let's hug it out.

( shrieking )

Leo: Oh, I'm so sorry! I really thought that was off!

. . .

( squeegee rubbing glass )

Tasha: Morning!

Bree: Whoa!

Tasha: I just wanted to keep your new room fresh. Oh, and good news-- I talked to Caitlin. She's back with Rodney. Yay!

Bree: Um, Tasha, no offense, but I moved up here so I could have some privacy.

Tasha: I totally get it, so look what I did! Whee!

Bree: Whoa.

Tasha: Privacy. Yay!

. . .

Leo: Janelle, thanks for coming. I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here.

Janelle: We're at school.

Leo: Oh, you! Anyway, I wanted to show you something that someone who's both cool but nerdy can appreciate. Please ignore the fact that I called you nerdy 'cause I also called you cool.

Janelle: Fine. But if you call me ugly-pretty, we're gonna have a problem.

Leo: Oh, you! With the flip of a switch, I can create a virtual trampoline. Allow me to demonstrate. Bam! Wow! I did not think that was gonna work.

Janelle: Cool. So... how high can you go?

Leo: Let's find out. Aaahhh! Unh! Uh, would you mind carrying me over to that girl who's walking away in disgust?

. . .

( horse whinnies )

Adam: Look what I found. Who would leave a perfectly good horse in the middle of a field?

Chase: Okay, you and your stolen horse need to get on your side of the lab!

Adam: Calm down! We tried to take the elevator, but he couldn't press the buttons with his hoof. Poor thing didn't even know what floor we were on. He's not the brightest.

Chase: Is that horse wearing my high-tops?

Adam: Well, I wasn't gonna let him walk across town with bare feet. I mean, he's not an animal.

. . .

( knocking on door )

Bree: ( deep voice ) Uh, sorry Tasha. Bree's not here. Thanks for stopping by.

Chase: Bree, it's Chase, and your lame "man voice" doesn't fool me. ( sighs ) I cannot deal with Adam anymore. Without you, we've turned on each other. I need you to come back to the lab and be the brunt of our pranks.

Bree: Really? Hmm. Here's the thing: I can't leave this place. I mean, I just love it up here so much.

Chase: Please, I'm begging you.

Bree: Well, I guess maybe I could, as long as you promise me full privacy whenever I ask for it.

Chase: Yeah! Like that's gonna happen.

Bree: Hm.

Chase: Huh.

Bree: Wait! I have to move back! I have less privacy now than I did before. Tasha is a smothering lunatic! She stepped inside of my capsule!

( gasps )

Bree: I know! Boundaries!

Adam: That horse just ate my giant plastic chili cheese dog, and I'm afraid to see what happens next.

Chase: See what I have to deal with?

Bree: If you give me what I want, I can take care of that for you.

Chase: Okay, fine. Privacy whenever you want it.

Bree: Adam, we're all moving back down to the lab. You're gonna get rid of the horse, and things are gonna go back to the way they were.

Adam: What? Can you believe how bossy she is?

Chase: I know. She's the worst. We should probably just stick together and do whatever she says.

Adam: Oh, yeah! That'll show her!

Tasha: Guess what, Bree: I just read your horoscope, and it says you shouldn't be alone tonight!

Bree: You know, actually, I'm moving back down to the lab. My brothers need me.

Tasha: Oh. Okay. Well, if you change your... mind! I wonder what Leo's up to.

. . .

Donald: Oh, hey, Leo. Remember when you shocked me earlier? Yeah, neither do I, because I pass out when I'm electrocuted.

Leo: Yeah, well, I took your advice and tried to add a little dose of flash to my nerd, and I ended up in the arms of a lunch lady. Luckily for me, she's also a retired pro wrestler.

Donald: Leo, let me make it up to you. I-I think I have an idea.

. . .

( helicopter rotors whirr )

Janelle: Leo? What are you doing?

Leo: Your ride awaits, m'lady. Not you!

. . .

( rotors whirring )

Janelle: Leo, this is amazing.

Leo: Amazing... Or just another Thursday?

( laughter )

Janelle: Aren't you a little young to be a pilot?

Leo: Please! My first diaper was a parachute. I went straight from crying to flying.

( laughter )

Janelle: You're funny.

Leo: Well, if by funny, you mean--

Janelle: Don't kill it.

Leo: Right. Control tower, this is captain Leo. Thanks for a great flight.

Donald: No problem, Leo. Hey, even though I'm controlling this, let's not let your mom know I let you up in a helicopter, okay?

Leo: Copy that.

Donald: And if you're gonna get romantic, snap to it. You're almost out of gas.

. . .

Adam: So, imagine my surprise when the plastic chili dog came out in one piece!

Tasha: Do you have any idea what he's talking about?

Donald: Nope. I just smile and nod until it's over.

( elevator bell dings )

Adam: Good boy! You learned to push the buttons! Now let's go get Chase in here, and we'll hit every floor. Down, please.

Donald: Huh. Nice horse.

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