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This is a complete transcript of the episode Chip Switch.

Transcript

( music plays in elevator )

Perry: Dooley! What are you doing in my elevator?!

Leo: I'm enjoying the music. Today is "love songs from the nineties." Wanna dance?

Perry: Use the stairs! This is exactly how healthy kids become unhealthy adults.

Leo: Really? Are we having this conversation?

Perry: For your information, I'm a speed walker. Perhaps you've seen me at the Mission Creek Mall giving the shoppers a little eye candy. Listen up, space-fillers! This is Emergency Preparedness Week. An emergency drill can happen at any time. So when the alarm sounds, you must evacuate the building in an orderly fashion-- Like cattle, if cattle had acne... and braces... and a future filling up my gas tank. (laughs)

Adam: Oh, man! I wish I had Bree's super-speed! Because you do not want to be stuck walking behind cows in an emergency, trust me on that. Ohh.

Chase: You would trade your super-strength for Bree's super-speed? Man, if I had your strength, I'd just run out of the building juggling those cows.

Bree: Yeah, and if I had your super-intelligence, I'd have walked away from this conversation thirty seconds ago.

Leo: Hey, you know what would be awesome? If you guys took out your bionic chips and switched your abilities.

Chase: Why can't we?

Bree: I call your super-smarts!

Adam: I call your super-speed!

Chase: I call your super-strength!

Leo: I call good looks and charisma. Oh, too late. Already got 'em.

. . .

Leo: If you guys are gonna switch your chips before school, don't you think you should run this by Davenport first?

Bree: They're our chips.

Leo: Well, yeah, but what if something glitches out and you end up with Adam's gigantic head on Chase's tiny, doll-like body?

Bree: We don't have to ask "daddy" for permission on every single thing we do.

Adam: Yeah. I mean, do you think I ask Davenport which shoe goes on which foot? No! I label them "left" and "not left."

Chase: Okay, Bree. Attach the chip extractors to the capsules. I'll program the computer for chip removal. And Adam, you... Jus-Just get in your capsule.

Adam: Whoo!

Chase: Now, Leo, I have the most important job of all for you. Now, once we get inside, I'm going to need you... to push this green button.

Leo: Yeah. And then I'll push the button that makes you stop talking to me like I'm five.

( beep )

( whooshing, beeping )

Adam: Oh, no! My head's coming off! Kidding.

( whooshing, powering down )

Leo: Do you think it worked?

Chase: I don't know. Hey, Adam, let's arm wrestle.

Adam: Ahh!

Chase: Yes! Who's got the tiny, doll-like body now?

Leo: I'm next!

Adam: Oh, Leo.

Leo: This is gonna be a piece of cake-- Aaah!

Donald: Hey, hurry up, you guys. You're gonna be late for school.

Leo: Oh. Hey, Big D. Um... Just a simple question. What would happen if three totally random bionic kids decided to switch their chips? I'm not asking for them, it's for three of my other bionic friends.

Adam: Wait-- You have three other bionic friends? How could you not tell us? We could get, like, a mini-van and car pool.

Donald: You guys didn't switch your chips, did you?

Adam: No.

Bree: No.

Chase: No way.

Donald: Oh, good, 'cause that would be a crazy idea. See, I calibrated their bionics to match their biology. Adam has height, so I paired that with strength, and Bree is lean, so that increases her speed, and Chase, of course, nobody questions Chase's impossible wealth of knowledge because he's, you know, nerdy.

Chase: Yep. I got all sorts of smarts up in here. Heh. Like numbers and mathy stuff.

Donald: The point is, switching their chips could cause all kinds of unpredictable problems, so you should never do it... ever. I have spoken!

Chase: (scoffs) Mr. Davenport is making such a big deal about nothing.

Bree: I know. I mean, we already switched our chips and nothing bad happened.

Adam: We're fine. Race you to school!

( clank )

Adam: Ohh!

( laughing )

Adam: Oh...

. . .

Adam: Oh, I also forgot to mention-- before you try lifting something heavy, always stretch first.

Chase: Okay.

( Chase grunts )

Adam: Okay, maybe you should stretch before you stretch.

( loud clank )

Bree: Ew! What is that?

Adam: Ah, man, I got some guacamole on my shirt.

Bree: Adam, you forgot to change your shirt.

Adam: (laughs) I didn't go home to change, I just needed some chips for my guac.

. . .

Perry: Morning, Frank. You know, I don't take the time to get to know my students. Who is Frank? What makes Frank tick? What are Frank's dreams?

( alarm bell wails )

Perry: Fire drill! Get up, Frank! Go! Your dreams just became a nightmare! Go! Go! Go!!!

( alarm bell continues )

Bree: Ah, my ears! Oww!!!

Chase: She's not used to my bionic hearing. I've conditioned myself to the bell. She hasn't.

Bree: Ow!!!

( laughs )

Chase: Remember when I was that stupid?

( laughs )

Adam: Remember when I was stupid?

Bree: Oww!!!

Perry: Come on, slowpokes, pretend it's the mall! Swing those arms! Show those shoppers! There's a food court at the finish line!

Leo: Ohh! Perry!

Perry: Not so fast. Dooley, what are you thinking? In an emergency this elevator is the worst place you could be!

Leo: Well, it is now that you're here. We're going up.

Perry: Did you push a button?

Leo: No! You must have bumped it when you shifted your center of gravy. Gravity.

. . .

Adam: Remain calm. I'll super-speed us out of here. Please keep your hands and legs inside at all times. Whoa. Nope, Chase. You have to be at least this tall to ride the ride.

( laughing )

Adam: You get it? 'Cause you're embarrassingly small. Oh! Wait. Speaking of embarrassingly small, where's Leo?

Chase: Bree, try to use my super-hearing to detect his voice.

Bree: All I can hear is that stupid alarm!

Chase: Adam, use your heat vision to take out that alarm.

Adam: Or you use my heat vision to take out the alarm.

Bree: Somebody just shoot something at something!

( alarm bell continues )

( zapping, electrical crackling )

( loud clank )

Perry: Aaaaah!

( crackling )

Bree: Nice goin'.

Chase: Well, you try aiming a thousand-degree laser with your eyeball.

Adam: Oh, I will, if I can use your ears to aim it.

. . .

Perry: Huh! Power's still on. Must be a fuse. The one day I don't wear my tool belt.

Leo: Hey, I have a paper clip.

Perry: Well, that will certainly come in handy if we need to hold two papers together!

( grunting loudly )

Perry: Great. We're stuck between floors. Don't look at me like that. In high school I was an all-state squatter.

( phone beeps )

Perry: Hey, listen up, generation epic fail. It's your fearless yet loveable leader principal Perry. I am stuck in the elevator. Repeat: I am stuck in the elevator. Again: I am stuck in the elevator!!!

Adam: Serves her right for not taking the stairs.

Leo: Hey, I'm in here too! Repeat: I am in here too! Again: I am in here too!!!

Chase: Oh, no. That's Leo!

Bree: You just trapped Leo in the elevator with principal Perry.

Leo: If any superheroes are listening, I could sure use some help!

Adam: What?! He knows superheroes? Oh, it's probably the other three bionic kids.

Bree: We are the bionic kids. Us. Me, you, and him. Us!

Chase: Look out. I-I can fix this. I just need someone to show me how. Without my bionics, this just looks like a bunch of pretty-colored wires! I want my chip back. I want my chip back!!!

( zapping )

( sizzling )

Chase: Okay. I have to stay calm so I don't glitch again, but just for the record I would like to say: Not a fan of the heat vision.

. . .

Leo: I smell something burning. Do you think there's a fire?!

Perry: Well, if there is, the fire is either gonna melt the cables and we'll plummet three stories, or the fire will melt us and we'll plummet three stories!

Leo: Is it too late to take the stairs?

( crashing, rumbling )

Leo: Aaaaah!

Perry: Aaaah!

. . .

Chase: Ahh, Mr. Davenport was right. We never should have switched our chips. Without my bionic intelligence, I'm just a dumb bag of meat. No offense, Adam.

Adam: Aw, none taken. Man, without my super-strength, I just feel like a puny, weak, doll-bodied chump with an ugly shirt. No offense, Chase.

Bree: Look, I'm calculating a risk probability analysis of the situation. You know, measuring the statistical likelihood of Leo's survival in the elevator versus the real calculated risks of a precision rescue attempt. So based on my calculations, the answer to saving Leo is obvious.

Adam: Yep, we can't do it. Sorry, buddy! Oh! Let's go see a movie!

Bree: No! Adam. We just have to rush home and switch our chips back.

Chase: That's a great idea! Leo, we have to run home real quick. Don't go anywhere.

Leo: Really? Where am I gonna go?!

Perry: Don't come over here.

Leo: Hey! There's a hatch on the roof. Maybe we can climb out.

Perry: Great idea! Lock your hands! I'll use 'em as a stepladder!

Leo: Yeah, how about you lock your hands?

( grunting, shrieking )

Perry: That's not a handhold! Climb faster!

Leo: I can't! It's like climbing a marshmallow mountain!

Perry: You're a nail-biter?

Leo: Well, yeah, sometimes when I get nervous.

Perry: Me too!

Leo: It helps me feel--

Both: More in control.

Perry: The thumb's my favorite. It's the filet mignon of fingers.

Leo: Good to know, principal Perry.

Perry: Call me Terry.

Leo: Call me a cab.

. . .

( whooshing )

( powering down )

Bree: Great. We're back to normal. Grab on and I'll super-speed us back to school.

Donald: Hi! Why aren't you guys at school? And what did I tell you about climbing each other?

Chase: Uh...(nervous laughter)... Adam goes on the bottom 'cause he's the sturdiest?

Adam: Uh, we forgot our homework. There it is.

Adam, Bree & Chase: Heh heh heh.

Chase: Yeah... now we can... hand in our homework for our robotics assignment.

Donald: You have a robotics class in high school, and your homework is a hand that I designed.

Chase: Just take us back to school.

Donald: Uh-huh.

. . .

( loud creaking )

Perry: Just so you know, if it comes down to you or me, I've got some bad news for ya.

Leo: Well, don't worry. I know Adam, Bree and Chase will get us out of here. They always got my back.

Perry: Must be nice to have friends who care about you so much. When I was your age I got picked on all the time. "Isn't Terry a boy's name? (nasty laughter)" No!!! I'm just glad they never found out my middle name is "Chery."

Leo: (stifled laughter) Wait. So your full name... is Terry Cherry Perry.

Perry: I know, right? When I say it people think I'm ordering ice cream.

Leo: Well, if it makes you feel any better, at my last school, the mean kids didn't call me Leo Dooley, they called me Leo "Doody."

( snorting laughter )

Leo: Hey, hey, ease up there, Cherry.

Perry: Sorry. I became a principal so I could make sure kids like me never get picked on. Now here I am using my power to pick on kids! (crying) I'm no better than those bullies were! Sorry, Dooley. I didn't mean for you to see me like this.

Leo: Call me Leo.

Perry: Don't be fresh.

( sobbing )

. . .

Bree: Okay, you have your smart chip back, professor. Do your thing.

Chase: Okay. If I cross a red wire with a pink wire, I'll end up with a red wire crossed with a pink wire. Wait a second. This is still all just a bunch of pretty colors to me! Where are my super-smarts?

Adam: Since traction elevators operate on a pulley system, we just have to calculate the weight of the cars plus passengers, multiply that by the height we need to move it, and that will determine the energy needed. Also, a group of twelve or more cows is called a "flink." Oh! I think my brain just threw up!

Bree: Wait a second. If he has your super-intelligence, does that mean that you have my speed? Aaah! I run like a normal person!

( whimpering )

Bree: We must have switched the chips again!

Chase: I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!

Adam: I know what to do. (gasps) I know what to do! The elevator's stuck between the first and second floor. There are two remaining hoist cables left holding it up. Bree, if you reach through the vent and grab one of them, you can use your super-strength to pull the car up to the second floor.

Bree: Got it.

Adam: Man, it is so peculiar watching Bree have super-strength.

Chase: Not as peculiar as you using the word "peculiar."

( grunting )

( loud creaking )

Adam: Great! Pull it another five feet! And it should raise the elevator to the second floor landing. Come on, Bree, use your strength!

Bree: I got it, I got it.

( loud snapping )

Perry: I gotcha, baby! I gotcha!

Bree: I-I had it.

( loud crash )

Bree: I don't know my own super-strength.

Chase: Great idea, Adam. Now there's... (gasps) One cable holding the elevator!

Adam: Ooh! Chase can count to one! Bravo! Now I know why you guys are always making fun of me so much. I'm stupid!

. . .

Perry: It's times like these I think: Who's gonna feed all my cats?

(gasps)

Perry: I hope they don't eat mother.

(gasps louder)

Perry: I hope she doesn't eat them! Hey, Dooley. I'm sorry for being so hard on you. You're not such a bad kid.

Leo: Thanks. And you... are a tolerable middle-aged authority figure.

Perry: That's the nicest thing anyone's every said to me. Thanks, Leo. "Doody." Ha ha ha ha! Sorry, I couldn't resist. Ha ha ha ha ha! Mmm!

. . .

Chase: Okay, there's only one cable left. Don't pull it too fast.

Bree: Okay.

Chase: And don't pull it too slow.

Bree: Okay.

Chase: Actually, you might want to--

Bree: You might wanna stop talking! What if this doesn't work?

Adam: The traction cable will sever, causing the elevator car to vertically free-fall until it crashes into the basement, crushing it and anyone inside. But you will be able to do it!

Bree: I don't know how to control your bionics.

Adam: I'll teach you. The key to pulling something heavy is remembering to keep a strong center of gravity. That way, you're lifting with your entire body instead of any one part. It also helps to keep a blank mind. Oh, man, I miss that.

Bree: Okay... Strong center of gravity... Mind is blank. Here I go.

( creaking, metallic whining )

Chase: Yes! It's working!

( elevator bell dings )

Bree: We did it!

Chase: Yes!

Leo & Perry: We made it!

Leo: Yeah!

(laughing)

Perry: Ughh.

Leo: I thought we bonded.

Perry: I was desperate! Don't get all weird, Doody!

Leo: And she's back.

( elevator bell dings )

Perry: Uhh! Dooley! What did I tell you about being in an elevator in an emergency?!

Leo: That if you get stuck cats will eat your mom.

Perry: Gotta go.

Leo: Oh, guys! Thank you for saving my life! I owe you guys.

Chase: Actually, we're the ones that got you stuck in there.

Leo: Oh. Well then, you'll be hearing from my lawyers.

. . .

Donald: Hey, guys, how was school? How'd the chip switch go?

Bree: How'd you know?

Donald: First of all, Adam is reading a book instead of gnawing on it... and you left the extractors out.

Chase: Look, Mr. Davenport, we know you're upset, but you were right. Without our chips, we're, like, totally useless-- like normal people.

Donald: Look, I'm glad you guys learned your lesson, but I'm very disappointed in you. Now, how big of a bill can I expect from the school?

Chase: None. We made it all look like an accident.

Donald: Ha! Yes! Way to go! Ow! She has the strength right now, right?

Chase: Yeah.

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