This is a complete transcript of the episode Chore Wars.


Leo: Ugh. Okay. Toilet's clean. Bathtub's clean, sink is clean. And may I just say, you people are disgusting.

Tasha: Here is your chore money.

Leo: Sweet! I have enough money to see the new Pig Zombie movie and get a T-shirt. Pig Zombie: Cruise Ship Massacre in 3-D. Hungry hogs on the high seas.

Tasha: Leo, I don't want you wasting your brain, your money or your time on that trash. You are not going to see Pig Zombies. End of discussion.

Leo: Well, but--

Tasha: Uh-uh.

Leo: Can I--

Tasha: Mmmmrph!

Leo: Glad to see we were able to talk this out.

Adam: Leo, I know you want to be a superhero, but that's the worst costume ever.

Leo: I was cleaning the bathroom, so I could get some money to see my favorite movie. But someone who shall remain nameless... won't let me go.

Chase: Wait a minute. You get paid money just for cleaning stuff?

Tasha: Oh, yeah. Most kids have chores. You clean things around the house, and then you get an allowance from your parents.

Bree: I want chores!

Chase: I want money!

Adam: Oh, I want a big furry hat so I can wear it to scare animals.

Leo: You guys can finish my chores. There's no reason for me to have money since Miss Bank-Manager put a freeze on my fun account.

Tasha: So where should we start?

Bree: Just look around the house and see what needs to be cleaned.

Adam: I got this. Oh! That's where I left my lucky floss!

Chase: If you use that, I will hurl.

Adam: And then I will clean up that hurl. Ka-ching!

Bree: Perfect!

( ding )

Bree: You could eat off of this floor.

Adam: Could? Can and will.

Tasha: Wow. You guys just did a day's worth of chores in three minutes. You know, if this whole mission thing doesn't work out, I can buy a minivan, and we can open up a cleaning service. Here you go.

Bree: Oh, mama just got a new pair of shoes.

Chase: I am now worth seven dollars.

Adam: I wish I knew how to count.

Tasha: Just make sure you all spend your money responsibly.

. . .

Adam: Oh! Hey, guys. I got my new spray-on jeans!

Chase: How is that responsible spending?

Adam: 27 pairs in one can. That's one for every day of the month.

. . .

Adam: Hey, guys. The neighbors are selling their stuff in the front yard. I spent my last five bucks on this whole basket of used socks!

Chase: You don't even wear socks.

Adam: Hello? Sock puppets.

Bree: I spent my chore money starting my hideous babies collection. There's Lip-Sore Lizzy, Pink-Eye Peggy, and limited edition Triple-Chin Chuck.

Adam: What'd you buy, Chase?

Chase: I bought financial security. That's right. Just me and my money for the rest of my life. I'm saving every last dollar. Friends come and go, but money is forever.

Tasha: Hey, guys. How's it going?

Chase: Great, now that you're back. Money, money, money, money, money, money, money.

Tasha: Is someone cooking bacon?

Adam: Oh, turkey bacon. I'm cooking it in my new bacon pack. It's a bacon cooker! On my back in a pack in case I wanna snack.

Tasha: I'm glad you guys all love your chores but you already did everything. You're gonna have to wait until next week.

Adam: What? No, no way. I'm down to my last two pairs of spray-on jeans.

Bree: And I have to get that Drooling Debbie doll. She's part of a set with Barfy Betty. How cute is she?

Chase: Now, now, now. If only you had saved your money. You'd be feeling as secure as-- Oh, who am I kidding? I need more money too.

Bree: Wait a minute. Why don't we just sell our things like the neighbors did? There is plenty of stuff around here that no one uses.

Chase: Well, yeah, like, this figurine. Or this book. Or this pillow.

Adam: Hey, I use that.

Chase: For what?

Adam: What? You asked.

. . .

( music box plays, warbling )

Eddy: Wish we could keep Tasha in a box like that.

Donald: Eddy, this is a jewelry box that Tasha's grandmother gave her. It's been broken for years, so I am going to restore it, and surprise her with it. Yeah. I'm perfect.

Eddy: Ooh! If you really wanna surprise her, let's split town and not leave her a forwarding address.

Donald: Only thing is, I have to find a place to hide it where she won't find it.

Eddy: She goes in there. There too.

Donald: There. Now, Eddy, don't tell anybody about this, okay?

Eddy: You act like I enjoy causing trouble. Oh, by the way, Tasha says she wishes you were taller.

( loud groan )

Donald: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something's wrong.

Leo: The new Pig Zombie movie comes out this weekend and I can't go.

Donald: Wait, did you say "Pig Zombie?" This little piggy went home...

Both: To eat your face!

( screams )

Leo: No way! You like Pig Zombies?

Donald: Do I breathe? They're only the greatest movies in the history of movies ever made ever.

Leo: I know! I memorized every line by heart. And my psychotic pig oink is dead on.

( zombie squeal )

Donald: Finally, I have somebody to watch these movies with. Bree hates them. Adam's scared of them. And Chase always ruins them with logic. "A pig can't peel a banana, a pig can't crack a safe." "A pig can't jump an 18-wheeler over an unfinished section of highway."

Leo: Duh, you just saw it happen.

Donald: You just saw it happen!

Leo: It's right there.

Donald: Wait, why can't you go see the new one?

Leo: Because I-- have no one to take me.

Donald: Well you do now. We'll go see the new one on Friday and then Sunday we'll watch the big pig marathon on TV. It'll be our Pig Zombie Porkapalooza.

Leo: Awesome!

Donald: You think we should invite your mom?

Leo: No! We should keep this our little secret, 'cause she's more into the vampire-cow flicks.

Donald: Yeah, those are good though.

Leo: Yeah.

Donald: I vant to chew your cud!

( moos )

. . .

Adam: Welcome to our indoor yard sale. Nice to touch, pretty to hold, but if you break it, consider it sold.

. . .

Chase: Now this is a rare jar of peanut butter. Expired almost three years ago.

( sniffs )

Chase: I don't know if anyone remembers, but 2009 was a fantastic year for peanuts.

. . .

Bree: You can have that for 10 bucks. Nothing says fashion like meat on your back.

Adam: Hey, those are the best. I have one just like it.

Chase: Did you just sell Adam's bacon backpack? That is so wrong and greedy and underhanded of you.

Bree: I'll give you half to buy your silence.

Chase: Didn't see a thing.

Adam: Hey, guys. Look what I found stuffed behind the shelf in the lab.

Chase: Oh, nice. A jewelry box.

Adam: Oh, yeah. I was thinking we could sell the bubble wrap, but yeah, we could sell this too.

( popping )

Bill: I'll give you 30 bucks for that old jewelry box.

Adam: 30 bucks?

Bill: Fine, 50.

Adam: 50 bucks?

Bill: Okay. 70 bucks, final offer.

Adam: Sold! Who's the master negotiator? This guy.

. . .

Donald: That was the greatest movie ever. A pig on water skis? I did not see that coming.

Leo: Oh, and how about the part when the pig disguised himself as part of the midnight buffet?

Eddy: No, no, no! Stop talking! Do you not know the phrase, "Spoiler Alert?"

Donald: Oh, sorry, Eddy. I was just thinking about the big surprise ending where the main pig turns out to have been dead the whole movie.

Eddy: Oh! Shutting down! Shutting down!

Leo: Oh, hey, let's keep this quiet, remember? We don't want anyone to know we saw the movie. It's our thing.

Donald: Right. Okay. Hey, you wanna help me fix your mom's jewelry box?

Leo: I would, but I have something fun to do.

Donald: Wait, where'd it go? I hid it right here and now it's gone.

( warbling )

Eddy: Well, maybe she found it and threw it in the trash, 'cause it's such a cheap, lame-o gift.

Donald: Eddy, two words. Mute button.

. . .

Donald: Have you guys seen a jewelry box?

Bree: Is it a little brown wooden one with a gold heart on top of it?

Donald: Yes!

Bree: Haven't seen it.

Adam: Me neither.

Chase: Nope, not me.

Adam: Me neither, ag-- again.

Donald: I don't know what happened to it. It was Tasha's grandma's. I was gonna fix it for her and surprise her with it. If you guys see it, just let me know.

Tasha: See what?

Donald: See-- See, uh, that new reality show about the dog and the-- and the bear. They, uh, fall in love and fight crime. It's adorable. It's on TV right now. Let's go watch it.

Chase: I can't believe we sold Tasha's jewelry box.

Bree: I can't believe we ruined his surprise.

Adam: I can't believe no one bought this peanut butter.

( gags )

Adam: Huh. Chunky.

. . .

Donald: Everything keeps disappearing. I can't find my favorite mug, all the spoons are gone. I had to eat my breakfast cereal with a steak knife.

Leo: Yeah, I can't find my Pig Zombies T-shirt anywhere.

Donald: Oh, that, I put in the laundry so it'd be fresh for tomorrow's marathon.

Leo: Wait, you put what in the who with where now? Mom! Or should I say, dearest woman who constantly sacrifices for my happiness. Let me fold that for you. Just fold that.

Tasha: Leo, if I didn't know any better, I would think you were looking for this! "I survived Pig Zombie 3-D Cruise Ship Massacre." Do you have something to tell me?

Leo: That's not mine.

Tasha: Extra small.

Leo: You have a tiny husband. I love you?

. . .

Tasha: I can't believe you went behind my back and saw those freaky, monster pig things.

Donald: And Leo, I can't believe you let me take you to the movie when your mom said no.

Tasha: You knew about this?

Donald: Yeah, but I had no idea you said he couldn't go because he didn't tell me.

Tasha: So you lied to both of us.

Leo: Oh, no. I lied to him. I disobeyed you.

Tasha: You're grounded. No TV for a week. I specifically told you not to see that movie.

Leo: Come on, this isn't fair. I don't like high-heeled shoes and lady magazines, but I don't tell you not to buy them with your money.

Donald: Sorry, I was just trying to stop him before he buried himself. But I was way too late.

. . .

Bree: So, that neighbor who bought the jewelry box agreed to sell it back to us.

Adam: Yes!

Bree: For $200.

Adam: Yes! Wait, is that more than 70?

Bree: It's an antique, so that's how much he's selling it for. What are we gonna do? We don't have enough.

Chase: Well, we could sell your stupid dolls.

Bree: Or, we could sell your stupid face, although I doubt anyone would buy it.

Adam: And I'm not selling my bacon backpack. Not just because I've looked everywhere and I have no idea where I put it.

Bree: You know, we don't have to give up our money or our things if Chase coughs up a few bucks from his wrist vault.

Chase: Are you kidding me? I didn't sell Tasha's jewelry box, Adam did.

Adam: Oh, I didn't want to sell it. I wanted to sell the bubble wrap.

Bree: We all agreed to have a sale. Now give us the money, you greedy, little brat.

Chase: No, get away from me. No one is getting near my beautiful box of cash.

( loud whirr )

Chase: Hey!

Bree: I'll take speed over smarts any day.

( wind howls )

( laughs )

Chase: Lot of good that'll do her. She doesn't have the key.

Adam: And neither do you.

. . .

( groans )

Adam: Must... get... the money!

Chase: Must... get... the key!

. . .

Adam: There you are!

Chase: Aha!

Adam: Get her!

( both groan )

Chase: Give me back my briefcase.

Bree: Never!

Chase: Okay, then.

( electricity crackling )

( yells )

Chase: Ha! Magnetism app. Didn't see that coming, did ya?

Bree: Get him!

( laughs )

Chase: Try to get me now. It's locked.

Bree: Oh, he thinks he's so smart? We'll just use the dryer to blow the money out of his hands.

( keyboard beeps )

( loud fan whirrs )

Chase: No, please! Come back, old friends! Come ba-a-ack!

Adam: Ha! Yeah! Now let's suck the money out by reversing the fan.

Bree: Adam, no! We've got to stop it!

Chase: No!

Bree: No!

Adam: Oh, you were like, Adam, no. You were like, Adam, no. The fan will shred the money. Now I get ya.

Donald: Look at you showering in your money. I prefer to bathe in mine.

Chase: Adam and Bree stole my money and turned it into confetti.

Bree: I was just trying to get Chase's money to buy back the jewelry box that Adam sold.

Chase: That's right. Chase's money. Who's money? Chase's money. It was mine! It was all mine!

Donald: Whoa, back up. Did somebody say jewelry box?

Chase & Bree: Adam sold it!

Donald: All right, you guys have exactly two seconds to explain what's going on starting now.

Bree: We saw Leo had chores and earned money, so we wanted chores to get money, we cleaned the whole house, there was nothing left to clean, so we had no chores and no money...

( increasing dialogue speed )

Bree: ... and that's what happened. What? You said two seconds.

Chase: We're sorry, Mr. Davenport. We were doing chores to make money but we wanted more money. So, we held a yard sale. In the house.

Donald: You let people in the house?

Adam: Now, I know what you're thinking, but don't worry. Only one person took a nap in your bed.

Bree: When we found out the jewelry box was important, we fought over all the money just to buy it back.

Donald: How could you sell my things?

Adam: Oh, it's super easy. You just put signs up and people go nuts. I mean, they show up before you're even ready.

Donald: Look, guys, money can make people greedy and selfish. I mean, I know it's hard to tell looking at me because over the years I've learned to hide it with my debonair outer charm.

Bree: We can get the jewelry box back, we just need $200.

Donald: For that piece of junk? I mean, uh, that's reasonable. But you guys are gonna have to work off that $200 by doing every filthy, disgusting chore in the house for a month.

Chase: No problem.

Donald: Without using your bionics.

Chase: That's a problem.

Adam: It's not a problem for me. I've got two helpers. I love to clean! Scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub.

Chase: Seriously, Mr. Davenport, I will donate some of my brain cells just to even things out a little bit.

. . .

Tasha: Well, it's 5:00. Aren't you missing Pig Zombie Spring Break: Pigs Gone Wild?

Donald: Yeah, but, it won't be the same without Leo. Look, I know he lied, but it was really cool bonding with him over those things. The Pig Zombie movies were our thing. We finally had a... thing.

Tasha: I have an idea.

Donald: You wanna watch Pig Zombies with me? I knew you would come around. Score! Yes.

Tasha: Oh, honey, no. I'm a grown up.

. . .

( loud squealing, explosions )

( laughter )

Leo: I still don't understand how you convinced mom to let me watch this marathon with you.

Donald: Ha. It was easy. I just told her that instead of grounding you for a week, she should let you watch this. And then ground you for a month. You did lie.

Leo: Oh, I was kinda hoping you forgot about that.

Donald: Yeah, I kinda didn't. But nice try though.

Leo: Still, this is totally worth it.

Donald: I thought so.

( laughs )

Donald: Talk about a pork chop.

( squeals )

( both scream )

. . .

Donald: All right, keep 'em closed.

Tasha: Okay.

Donald: Keep 'em closed.

Tasha: All right. All right.

( thunk )

Tasha: Ow!

Donald: Watch where you're going. Okay. And... open 'em!

All: Surprise!

Tasha: Oh! You fixed my grandmother's jewelry box!

Donald: It took a long time, but Leo and I painstakingly restored it to its original condition.

Leo: Emphasis on the painstaking part.

Adam: That is so sweet of you guys.

All: Oh!

Adam: I'll clean that up for five bucks.

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