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This is a complete transcript of the episode Commando App.

Transcript

Donald: Okay, guys, you have been trained for all kinds of missions. But you are about to enter a soul-bruising, confidence-crushing, apocalyptical environment: high school. Adam, Bree, your glitch test results are fairly stable.

Bree: Yes! I'm going to school!

Adam: I'm fairly stable!

Donald: But, Chase, I am still concerned about your Commando App.

Leo: Commando App? Put on some underpants. We're going to school.

Donald: No, see, in the face of an imminent threat, Chase's Commando App kicks in and he becomes a fearless brute I like to call Spike. It's kinda like a fight-or-flight thing, except I took out the flight part, 'cause, useless. And I replaced it with a testosterone level of like a tasmanian devil-wolverine-shark-lion hybrid that's mad.

Chase: Don't worry, Mr. Davenport. I promise that Spike won't rear his ugly head.

Donald: Oh, yeah? You mean like last Christmas when I made the mistake of giving Adam boxing gloves?

. . .

( growls )

Spike: Anybody else confused about the-don't-punch me rule?

. . .

Adam: Ugh, I'm still coughing up tinsel.

Donald: You know, letting Chase go to school, isn't such a good idea. I can't risk Spike coming out.

Leo: Oh, come on, Big D. Chase has to come. With these guys, I'll finally get a prime spot in the cafeteria. That's right, y'all. Put on your coats 'cause I'm about to ride your tail!

Adam: Don't worry. We'll make sure he stays out of trouble. Right, guys?

Bree: Yeah. It's one for all and all for one. Unless, of course, you guys make me look bad, in which case, I am dropping you lame-os.

Chase: Mr. Davenport, I can't miss school. This is the beginning of my academic achievements and career trajectory. I mean, the road to astronaut lawyer has to start somewhere.

Donald: Okay. But I better not get a call from the art teacher saying that Spike ripped out her larynx. Actually, she wouldn't be able to say anything, because Spike ripped out her lar– The point is just keep him out of trouble.

Adam: Hey, look what I found.

(Punches Chase in stomach and he  groans)

Adam: Look, I'm sorry, but if he's that close to the gloves, it's gonna happen.

(Intro Plays)

. . .

Leo: Okay, you guys. That's Principal Perry. She has the temperament of a junkyard dog stuffed into a really bad pantsuit.

Perry: Hey, you! No tongue rings in school! Don't try to hide it. I will take a metal detector to your face!

Bree: This is it. My chance for romance. On TV, the new girl always drops her books and the cute guy with the soulful eyes picks them up. Oops! Sorry, I'm new.

Leo: Okay, your social life is determined by where you sit. We can't sit at the cool table. But we can be cool table adjacent.

Bree: FYI, Adam just sat down at the cool table.

Leo: What?! He can't sit there! That's where the football players sit with the cheerleaders. And they pride themselves on finding very clever places to stuff your pudding cup.

Chase: Those girls are actually talking to him. And they can't talk about shapes and colors forever. See ya.

Leo: No! The football players are gonna turn them into the 5th food group. It's a rescue mission. Move in. Move in.

Adam: Oh, hey, guys. These girls just told me when the football players get here, I'm getting a free pudding cup.

Leo: Hi! (mumbles) Walk away. How's it going? You're in great danger.

(Players chanting)

(Sniffs)

Leo: Sorry.

Trent: Hey. That's my seat. Get lost before I use you like a napkin.

Bree: Chase, we should probably go. He's not very absorbent.

Trent: Oh, look, a spill! I think I'm gonna wipe it up with your face.

(Low warbling)

Spike: Think again, bubbleneck. I'm gonna rip out your kneecaps and use them as hockey pucks.

Adam: Okay, I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I think Spike's back.

Trent: You have no idea who you're messing with. Okay? Pudding cups!

Spike: Ohh, I'll take those.

Trent: Hey! Ooooh! You're dead!

(Roars)

Trent: You, okay, okay. You're lucky that we have to go to the reading center right now.

(Cheers & applause)

Spike: Take a seat, compadres. This is our table now.

Leo: Hello, ladies. You may remember me from health class when I passed out during the miracle of birth video. It's good to see you again.

. . .

(Warbling)

Eddy: Hey, daddy's home!

Donald: That's never gonna stop being weird. I'll be in the lab. With the kids at school, I'm gonna get so much work done.

Eddy: But I'm all alone. I thought you were gonna play with me. Come on! Let's play dodge ball!

Donald: I'm a grown man, I don't have time to play dodge ball. Besides, you cheat.

Eddy: I don't cheat.

Donald: You do too cheat.

Eddy: Do not.

Donald: Fine. All right. We'll play one game. Eddy. That's cheating.

Eddy: And you weren't even trying.

Donald: Big cheater.

. . .

Leo: All right. Make room for the Alpha Dogs. Woof! Wooof! Woof! Woof!

Adam: Don't do that.

Leo: Okay.

Bree: Wait, if we're the Alpha Dogs, then... Oh, I love this!

Spike: What's this?

Leo: That's an all access hall pass. You can go anywhere you want with that.

Spike: I can go anywhere I want already. These, ugh, are my hall passes.

Leo: Okay, if he starts oiling up, I'm out.

( low warbling )

Chase: Commando App disengaged? Guys! Why was I in Commando Mode?

Bree: Were you in Commando Mode?

Leo: I didn't see a Commando Mode.

Adam: Oh, that's good, everyone keep lying.

Chase: You guys were supposed to watch out for me.

Leo: Oh, we watched the whole thing. You manhandled the quarterback and pudding popped the whole offensive line!

Chase: What? Aw, great. This is so gonna come back to haunt my Supreme Court nomination.

Bree: You know what Spike would say to that? Nothing. He would rip out your rib cage and play it like a xylophone.

Adam: Yeah, I like him. He's like a big, fun monster, and you're a sad little body.

Leo: I'll get Spike back. Get lost before I use you like a napkin.

(Grunts)

Leo: Yeah, this isn't gonna work.

. . .

(Warbling)

Eddy: Guess who-oo?

Donald: Eddy, I– I really need you to be quiet.

Eddy: All right. Quiet. Sshhh! ♪ Who's the luckiest girl at the fair ♪ It's the girl who was right with me there ♪ Su-eeeey!

Donald: Eddy! Your singing voice is like cats being dragged down a blackboard.

Eddy: Uh, sorry. You're working. Shush!

(Hums a tune)

Donald: Eddy. All right, I'm sorry, I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no other choice.

. . .

Donald: There. Finally.

(Musical ringtone)

Donald: Hello?

Eddy: Hi! I'm still here!

. . .

Leo: Hey, baby. Wanna nibble?

Chase: Hey, there's Trent. I better go apologize.

Bree: Woah! Slow it up, buttercup.

Leo: Mail him a greeting card. It's so much more personal.

Adam: Guys, look. The cheerleaders cut up my food into tiny pieces. I'm eating a turkey burger through a straw. Mmm. Gibblet-y!

Perry: Hey! New kid! Come here! Do you know what happens when my football players get humiliated? No! You don't. Because my football players don't get humiliated!

Adam: They look humiliated to me.

(Slurps)

Perry: I know what team spirit is about. Because I was the jammer on the North Pacific roller derby championship team.

Chase: Quite an accomplishment.

Perry: Don't mock me, squash face. My career ended when a trash talker like you got inside my head and I wiped. One zebra called it the worst single-bodied collision she'd ever seen.

Chase: I'd crash too if I saw a talking zebra.

Perry: It's a referee, you desk donkey! They told me what you did this morning at breakfast. You will not undermine the morale of my team. Evacuate this table. Now!

(Low warbling )

Spike: Watch who you're talking to, sports bra! I bet you panicked, threw yourself off the track and blamed the other team for your weakness.

Leo: Do you think this Spike thing's gotten a bit out of hand?

Bree: He might've crossed the line at sports bra.

Perry: I had to quit because of that accident.

Spike: Quit? Or move out of the state in shame?

Perry: He doesn't know! He wasn't there.

Spike: Why don't you hop in you economy car and tootle on home to your six cats and your online bingo tournament.

Perry: Jokes on you. I have 5 cats. Ha!

Trent: You didn't get our table back. Bumming us out. Even more bummed out when we lose. (whines) Do something.

Perry: All right, kid. I'll make you a deal. Let's be civilized and settle this the old-fashioned way. With a bone-crushing grudge match on the football field!

Spike: We're in. Me... Him, her... and him.

Perry: You and your band of nobodies versus my fighting dingoes.

Bree: Who is she calling a nobody? I got half a BFF necklace today.

Perry: Winner takes table and all the glory.

Leo: Oh, ma'am, as much as i'd like to flex my football fanciness, girls soccer has the field tonight.

Perry: Eh, just as well. I can't condone such a violent game on school grounds. So let's take it to the dog park across the street!

Dingoes: Yeah!

Leo: Am I the only one that's gonna need a fresh change of pants before we start?

. . .

( cheering )

Leo: This doesn't seem fair.

Perry: Seems fair to me. Let's get it on!

( whistle )

Leo: Let's huddle!

Adam: Huh?

Bree: Pardon me?

Spike: I huddled before I got here.

Leo: Oh, man, you guys don't know how to play football. Okay, we need to stop that team from getting into our end zone and scoring a...

Trent: Hike!

( screams )

Leo: ...touchdown.

. . .

Leo: All right, Adam. You squat down right here, and when I say, "hike," you're gonna pass the ball between your legs to my hands which will be right here.

Adam: Woah! Hey, it's football. It's not handsball.

Trent: Ready?

Football Players: Break!

Spike: Hey, nuggethead. Quit sucking air and hike him the ball like this.

( yells )

Leo: Hey!

Trent: Safety! Two points!

. . .

Spike: Losing makes me wanna rip out my own intestines and wear 'em as a sweat band.

Leo: Okay. The only way we're gonna win is if we use your super speed, your super strength and your super-nutty split personality.

Bree: I'll do whatever it takes. I already smell like a sweaty ape. I don't want this to be for nothing.

Leo: Here's what we're gonna do.

All: Break!

Bree: Woo! Yeah! Go team! Whoo! I'm a football player and a cheerleader. I'm that good.

( whistle blows )

Leo: Hey! Is that a Biggie Burger truck pulling up?

( loud whooshing )

Leo: Guess not. Hike!

Trent: Hey! How'd our shoes get tied together?

Leo: Touchdown!

( cheering )

( roars )

Adam: Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Well, if Bree can be a cheerleader, I can too! Whoo hoo!

Bree: Hooo!

. . .

Donald: Eddy, I owe you a huge apology. I should've never covered you in sticky notes.

Eddy: Apology accepted. Now entertain me!

Donald: What am I, a balloon? No. But, I do have something that will.

( warbling )

Donald: Eddy, meet Edie.

Edie: Well, hello there. Aren't you easy on the screen.

Eddy: Hiya, hot stuff! You look like a million megapixels.

Edie: I bet you say that to all the emoticons.

Eddy: Just the curvy ones with one eye. You designed her for me? I love you, man.

Donald: I love you too... Vaguely disturbing smart-home system.

. . .

( cheering )

Perry: Seven seconds left. Now remember, kids, there's no shame in losing. Oh, wait. Yes, there is!

( Perry cackles )

Perry: Game on!

( blows whistle )

Leo: All right, we have time for one more play. Spike, you scored every touchdown today. You score one more and we win.

Spike: Give me the ball. If I don't come back with their spleens, you'll know I failed.

( low warbling )

Chase: Wait! Where am I? And am I wearing a jockstrap?

Bree: Oh, no. It's Chase. We need Spike back! Where is he? Where is Spike?

Trent: Hey, let's go! We don't have all day!

Leo: Time out!

( whistle blows )

Chase: I told you. I don't wanna be Spike. Look, I've been waiting for my first day of school for 15 years. And now I don't even remember it.

Leo: When you put it that way, I just feel selfish.

Bree: Yeah.

Adam: Oh, come on! Snap out of it! I wanna win!

Leo: No, he's right.

Chase: Come on, guys, we can still win this thing. And even if we don't, what do we have to lose?

Adam: Our table.

Bree: Popularity.

Leo: Everything.

Trent: Come on! We playing football or we playing putt-putt? ( laughs )

Leo: Here's what we're gonna do. I'll do a flea-flicker toss to you.

Chase: And I'll use my mathematical analysis to throw the perfect pass.

Leo: Adam, assume the position.

Adam: All right, this is the last time I'm doing this.

( whistle blows )

( cheering )

Leo: Ready? Hike! Chase! Over here!

Bree: Chase! I'm open! Throw it to me!

Adam: Don't throw it to her! Throw it to me!

Bree: Chase! Over here!

Adam: Chase! I'm open!

Leo: Throw it!

Chase: It's all big scribbles!

( groaning )

Perry: Game over! Dingoes win!

Trent: Yeah! See ya at the cafeteria, Alpha Duds! Oh! And the pudding's on you. ( laughs )

Chase: Well, we may not be the Alpha Dogs anymore, but at least we still have each other. We're not total nobodies.

Leo: No, we are total nobodies, but at least I have you three to carry my broken butt home.

. . .

Perry: Your whole life's a disappointment.

Spike: At least I don't look like a frog!

Perry: People love frogs. You look like an owl!

Spike: Owls are wise. You know what else is wise? Old people like you.

Perry: Yeah, I'm old. Shouldn't you be joining a boy band?

Spike: You look like a bulldog!

Perry: You look like a poodle!

Spike: People make calendars of poodles. How many bulldog calendars have you seen?

Perry: Ten. I collect 'em.

Spike: They must be worth a lot 'cause they're so rare. Speaking of rare, when was your last date?

Perry: Tuesday. We had clams. They looked just like you.

Spike: ( sniffs ) Are you sweating? 'Cause I smell gravy.

Perry: Yeah, well, lucky for us, we already have the turkey!

Spike: Hey, Ireland called. They want their leprechaun back!

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