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Concert in a Can/Transcript

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This is a complete transcript of the episode Concert in a Can.

Transcript

( rock and roll power chords )

Adam: Oh, sweet! Look at your fingers go! It's like each one has a little brain of its own.

Marcus: Thanks. You know, you guys are the only people who have talked to me at this school. I hate being the new kid.

Chase: Yeah, we used to be the new kids that no one talked to. Now we're just the vaguely familiar kids that no one talks to.

Leo: Hey, peeps. What's the deal-io?

Marcus: Hi. I'm Marcus.

Leo: I know. We have gym together. And study hall. And also chemistry. We're lab partners.

Marcus: Oh. I... did not know that. Chase, you ever play guitar?

Chase: No, but I've always wanted to.

Leo: Well, I'm a jammer as well. My rocking is only eclipsed by my rolling.

Chase: Leo, your mom said you played the clarinet for three weeks until you swallowed the reed.

Leo: I passed it.

Marcus: Here, Chase. You want to give it a go?

Chase: W-- yeah-- yeah. Sure. Why not?

( expert lead guitar lines )

( lead guitar continues )

Chase: Uh... What do you know? Beginner's luck.

. . .

Marcus: So me and my dad moved around a lot. I was homeschooled for most of my life.

Adam: No way! So were we! We are so similar! Do you have a third nipple too?

Chase: Anyway... That's a pretty sweet guitar, Marcus.

Marcus: Yeah, and you're a natural, bro! Guys! We should start a band!

Adam: Oh, that's a great idea!

( beating sticks rhythmically )

Adam: But what would I play? Oh, I got it! No, I don't got it.

Marcus: I think you're gonna be our drummer, Adam.

Adam: Hmm. Interesting choice. I had been pondering the french horn.

Chase: Hey, Leo, guess what? Marcus and Adam and I are forming a band.

Leo: Well, you guys just met. Don't you think it's a little soon?

Chase: A little soon for what? Taking the deeply committed step of jamming together?

Marcus: Now if we could just find someplace to practice. I live in a pretty small place, so...

Adam: Oh, no, I know a place. The lab.

( coughs )

Adam: Oh. L-Labrador Retriever Park. Yeah, the dog park. Nice acoustics. Plus, they have dogs. (sing-song) Saved it.

Chase: Well, you know, Marcus, we have a pretty big place. We can all just jam there.

Leo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses, cowboy. Come on. Chase, what are you doing? Do you really think it's a good idea to let a total stranger into our very private home?

Marcus: That's okay, guys. We don't have to jam. Not everyone needs a bright spot in their otherwise horrible life.

Chase: Oh, look, Leo, you're making him feel bad. Don't worry, Marcus. We'll practice at our place later. Come on over.

Marcus: Great. See you guys after school.

Leo: You guys are making a big mistake. I mean, you've only been in the real world for a little while. There's still a lot of stuff you don't know.

Chase: Look, Leo, I'm not gonna run my playdates past you. Hel-lo! Genius!

Leo: What you have is book smarts. I have street smarts. And I've gotta watch what's happening on the street.

Adam: Oh, Leo! Relax! We are not going to be playing in the street. We're going to be playing in the house. This guy.

. . .

( rock and roll )

( music continues )

( song ends )

Marcus: Well, it's only our first day, but you guys sound great! I think you both have real raw talent.

Adam: Oh, well, if our talent is raw, then we better get cooking!

( rim shot )

Chase: Leo, what are you doing?

Leo: Just asking Marcus a few questions. Where were you born? What is your birthday? Who is the president of Venezuela?!

Marcus: I don't know.

Leo: Aha! So he's not from Venezuela.

Chase: Okay, that's it. This practice just became band members only.

Leo: Well, then, I guess I'm in the band.

Chase: Leo, you don't even know how to play an instrument.

Leo: That's where you're wrong.

. . .

( atonal )

. . .

Chase: Like I said, you don't even know how to play an instrument.

Marcus: You know what, guys? Let him in. He can play this.

Leo: Thank you. I've never played the cow bell before, but let's see what I got. Wow! I'm a natural!

. . .

Bree: Hey, Mr. Davenport.

Donald: Hi, Bree.

Bree: So, guess what? I signed you up for Career Day at school. I was thinking since you always do fun things with the boys, you'd like to do something fun with me.

Eddy: I'm sorry, did you say "fun"? Or "mind-numbingly tortures"?

Bree: Does he have a plug? Because I would really like to yank it.

Donald: Look, Bree, I'm-- I'm more of a... fun uncle than a school activity dad. It's just, I can't stand around with a bunch of dads talking "dad." "Hey, there, Pete! How's the station wagon?" "Real good, Joe. How's your lawn comin' along?" "Is that a poly-cotton blend?" "Oh, my!"

( yawning )

Bree: Come on, it'll be fun. You and I could do a presentation about your career. It's the perfect place to talk about all of your inventions.

Donald: My inventions? Ah. Which invention are you talking about? I mean, there are so many.

Bree: Ooh! What about your holo-pet?

Donald: Yes! The holographic family pet. And if it barks too much, you can use the mute button. Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf--

( silence )

Bree: That's great. We'll do that.

Eddy: A virtual friend to keep you company? What kind of desperate loser would want something like that? Oh, right. Awk-ward.

. . .

Adam: And...

( heavy rock music )

Donald: Hey! Hey-Hey! You know, it's not enough to just play notes, you want to get them in the right order.

( rim shot )

Marcus: O-M-G, you're... Donald Davenport!

Donald: Guilty as charged.

Marcus: The genius billionaire scientific entrepreneur!

Donald: Don't forget multi-lingual mega-star.

Marcus: Oh, gracias.

Donald: De nada.

Marcus: Wow, Mr. Davenport, I'd love to hear your theory of plasma gasification.

Donald: Who wouldn't? Hey, you know, Bree and I were gonna demo the holo-pet for Career Day. But since you guys have a band, maybe we can demo my concert-in-a-can instead! That'll be such a great surprise for her!

Marcus:That is good! That is good! What is it?

Donald: It's a can that creates a virtual holographic concert experience. It's something I designed for those of us who would be rock stars if we weren't busy being brilliant inventors.

Marcus: You're a rock star to me.

Donald: ( laughs ) I know. Bree is gonna love this.

Adam: Well, I'm gonna go get Mr. Davenport's gigantic mega-amp, because everybody knows louder is better.

Chase: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That amp is pretty heavy. Don't you think I should help you carry it? 'Cause, you know, you don't have the strength of ten men.

Adam: ( laughs ) Yes, I do... not. (falsetto) I'm frail.

Leo: Wow, Marcus. You on guitar and me on cow bell, it's... magic.

Marcus: Don't get used to it. The only reason I let you in the band is so you'd stop sniffing around my buisness.

( giggles weakly )

Leo: That's a good one. Oh, wait, you're serious. What are you-- What is wrong with you?! Why would you break your own guitar?

Marcus: What is wrong with you?! Why would he break my guitar?!

Leo: No! He-- Not-- Uh-- Ohhh.

. . .

Chase: Leo, why would you break his guitar?

Leo: No. No, no, no. That's what he wants you to think. He broke it and gave it to me. He's the breaker and I'm the breakee.

Marcus: That is crazy! Why would I break my own guitar?

Chase: Look, Leo, I would like to believe you, I really would, but you do break things all the time.

Leo: That is not true! Yes, it's true, but it's not true this time.

Adam: Leo, this reminds me of a story of a boy named "wolf"... Who cried a lot. And after that, his friends never believe him. And then... his grandmother ate him.

Leo: Fine. But this goes deeper than a broken guitar. I will prove my innocence and show you that he's up to no good. I'm gonna go all C.S.I. on this one!

. . .

Bree: I have a dad! He's coming. Just busy... with his career. Ohh! Where have you been? First I said you were in the bathroom, and then I said you were in the car, and then I said you were going to the bathroom in the car. People are starting to think you're weird.

Donald: Look, I'm here now and I have a big surprise. I made a small change. We're doing something completely different!

Bree: What is it?

Donald: Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise. Just applaud when the lights come up.

Bree: But we planned this together! What--

( sighs )

Bree: He'll be back. He's new at this. Suzy, your mom delivers cat food in an 18-wheeler. Are you really gonna judge me?

. . .

Leo: I'm telling you, Marcus is playing some kind of twisted psychological game, and I can prove it. Exhibit A: I lifted a fingerprint from his guitar.

Chase: Oh, that is fantastic, Leo. You proved that without a shadow of a doubt Marcus's guitar is--(gasps)--his.

Leo: True, but he then removed said guitar and deliberately-- deliberately, mind you!-- smashed it. Exhibit B: Paint chips and a hair.

Adam: Ooh.

Leo: Which just happened to be my mom's. Nonetheless... we know she did not do this.

Chase: Leo, are you afraid that by us befriending Marcus there won't be any room left for you?

Leo: What? No, are you kidding? I'm awesome. That guy is bad news.

Adam: Don't worry, Leo. You're still our best friend. But you can't have a best friend unless you have a friend who's a not best friend. Okay? So he does fill a void.

Leo: That's not what this is all about.

Chase: Look, Leo, we'll talk about this later, okay? Adam and I have to go meet Marcus. We're gonna be late for the concert.

( recorded rim shot )

Adam: I made it my ringtone.

Leo: Why won't anyone believe me?

Eddy: Maybe it's because Marcus is such a fantastic liar. And I respect that.

Leo: Wait. How do you know he's lying?

Eddy: I saw him do it. Hel-lo! Home security system!

Leo: So you have the whole thing on video? Why didn't you say anything, Eddy?!

Eddy: Because the dim one's right-- he does fill a void.

. . .

Donald: Wait'll they get a load of this. My virtual concert in a can is gonna knock their socks off. Now, it will activate itself, so don't forget to stand back. Couple of guys in research and development found that out the hard way.

( laughing )

Marcus: Thanks for loaning me this awesome guitar, Mr. Davenport. It's almost as good as the one Leo so viciously destroyed.

Donald: Well, hey, if I had a nickel for everything of mine that Leo destroyed, I'd still be down about two million and change.

Chase: Yeah, and that's just the stuff you know about.

Adam: We don't know anything.

Chase: No.

. . .

Bree: Ohh! Where have you been? Have you been over here with the boys this entire time? I should have known. You always do things with them.

Donald: Bree, that is so not true.

Announcer: And now, for your Career Day entertainment, concert in a can... can... can... Featuring Adam, Marcus and Chase... Chase... Chase...

Donald: Okay, I had nothing to do with that whatsoever. I--

Announcer: Brought to you by Donald Davenport... port... port... port...

Bree: Hmm. It kinda-sorta sounds like you did... did... did...

. . .

( virtual crowd cheering )

( heavy rock music )

Donald: I thought you would like this! It was a surprise! Look! Everybody thinks it's cool.

Bree: I don't care what all these people think. I just wanted to do something with you. Like that girl and her dad... and them. We get it! Your mom's a foot doctor! Get your feet off there, that's where we eat!

Donald: But that all looks so boring.

Bree: Yeah. It is really boring. But they're doing it together-- which is all I really wanted out of today.

Donald: Okay. I think I know a way, if you'll please let me make it up to you.

. . .

( discordant rock )

Donald: So?

Bree: This is a good surprise!

Donald: You know what would be even better? If you knew how to play! One, two, three, four!

. . .

Leo: Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend Marcus.

Marcus: Sorry, Leo, you're too late. We've safely packed away all the guitars. Maybe now you can find something else to break. Ha ha ha! 'Cause you broke the guitar.

Leo: Excuse me, I would like everyone's attention right here. I have proof from our home security system.

Eddy: Hi!

Leo: Now watch, as I--

Marcus: I have a confession to make.

Leo: Oh, no, you don't.

Marcus: I did it. I broke the guitar.

Leo: That's not fair! I was gonna crack this case wide open!

Eddy: Ha! He got you again!

Donald: What's going on here?

Marcus: I broke my guitar and blamed it on Leo. I owe everyone an apology.

Chase: You broke the guitar? Why didn't you just say so?

Leo: Yeah, why didn't you just say so?

Marcus: Because I had already cracked the guitar, but if my dad knew that I broke it I'd be in so much trouble because my family is so poor and I just want everyone to like me because I'm always the new kid, so I made everyone think that Leo did it because I'm so scared and it's so hard to make friends and I'm just a dumb kid compared to all of you and my grandma just died!

( Marcus sobbing )

Donald: Are you crying? Is he crying?

Bree: It's okay, Marcus.

Donald: Yeah, it's no big deal.

Chase: We don't think you're dumb.

Adam: Yeah, and your grandma didn't die.

( mouths words )

Donald: Marcus, why don't you come out and have dinner with us?

Marcus: Mm-kay. You guys go ahead. I want to apologize to Leo.

Leo: Well?

Marcus: You didn't actually think I was gonna apologize, did you? They totally believed me. My grandma's not dead-- she's in Miami playing shuffleboard.

Leo: What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this?

Marcus: It's a long story. But let's just say... you're in my way. Oh-- And if you ever try and rat me out again... you're toast... for real. Hey, guys, wait up! I don't want to miss any of the fun.

Eddy: Whoa, that guy is awesome! Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey!!!! Puuut meee doooown!!!

. . .

Donald: What you doin', Leo?

Leo: I'm just trying to pick up another instrument. Some say I'm overexposed on the cow bell.

Donald: Well, do I have the perfect thing for you. It is the world's smallest, yet most powerful, amplifier. This cord goes in here like so...

Leo: I see.

Donald: Voila. Now, be gentle.

( power cord feeds back )

( rumbling, glass breaking )

Leo: I think I'm gonna stick to the cow bell.

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