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Death Spiral Smackdown/Transcript

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This is a complete transcript of the episode Death Spiral Smackdown.

Transcript

Perry: Prepare yourself, dingoes! It's time for my annual fitness challenge week! This year, forget about push-ups and sit-ups. It's time for bruises, sprains, and freak accidents! I present the Death Spiral Smackdown!

Adam: Well, say what you will about her, but she knows how to bring the sizzle.

Leo: Why do you call it the Death Spiral? I mean... Doesn't look so scary to me.

Perry: Why don't I have vice principal Cochran demonstrate for you?

( laughter )

Perry: It's not broken! Walk it off!

Adam: Wait, s-so how does it work?

Perry: You wrestle your opponent as it spins you silly. It'll test your strength, reflexes, and ability to hold your bladder against centrifugal force! Ha ha ha!

Gordo: What do you think, Leo? Can you handle it?

Leo: Well, my bladder's strong, but just to be safe, I'm sticking to dark gym shorts.

Gordo: I myself will be wearing a full-body diaper. In the face of fear, you'll never know where you're gonna leak from.

Perry: If you have the guts, partner up, and choose carefully. Your survival depends on the decision you make, and there are very few good options! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Gordo: Well, Leo, every year we lose the fitness challenge, but this year, we're gonna do it in style. I don't want to brag, but... I totally earned the Sewing Merit badge.

Leo: Listen, Gordo, I don't want to have a cape. I want to be a winner, so this year, we're going in a different direction.

Gordo: We are?

Leo: Yes. But by "we," I mean not you. I'm going with someone else.

Gordo: Oh. I see. That's okay because most of the school would give their right hand to be my partner.

Leo: I'm sorry, Gordo, but with my new partner, I'm gonna win this thing.

( snarky chuckle )

Perry: You're gonna try this again? Last year you threw your back out picking your wedgie! Ha ha ha!

Leo: Well, this year's gonna be different because I have a secret weapon.

Adam: Oh, what is it?

Leo: You.

Adam: Ah, that is a good secret. I didn't even know about it!

. . .

Leo: After school today is the big Death Spiral Smackdown. Me and Adam are gonna unleash the fury! You guys gonna come watch?

Chase: We'd love to, but we're gonna go to the mall and check out the escalator. I finally mastered the art of stepping off without tripping.

Bree: Ooh, um, were we supposed to do that today? Shoot, I-I can't make it. I have a really big test to study for.

Chase: What? ( sighs ) Okay, fine. I just hope those old ladies are there again to clap for me.

Leo: Never had this cereal before.

Bree: No, Leo! Those are power pellets.

Leo: I don't care what they're called, as long as they make my milk chocolaty.

Chase: No. They're bite-sized pieces of adrenaline that activate our bionics.

Bree: Yeah, but, we don't eat them anymore because we learned how to active them ourselves.

Chase: They taste like dog treats without the livery aftertaste. I'm guessing.

Leo: Well, I guess I'll just have these.

Chase: Careful, Leo! Those are Powdered Sugar Cookie Donut O's. Studies have shown they slow down your brain activity.

Adam: ( gasps ) Yummy Powdered Sugar Cookie Donut O's!

Leo: So, Adam, here is our smackdown game plan. I will distract everyone while you use your bionics to crush our opponents.

Adam: I'm sorry, Leo, bionics are for missions. Using them for a school competition would just be wrong.

Leo: But... You have to use your bionics! It's the whole reason I chose you! It's the weapon part of our secret weapon!

Adam: Oh, bummer! You thought I was gonna use bionics, and then you blew off your old buddy Gordo! Coulda had yourself a green cape, dude.

Leo: Oh, Adam, let me help you out with that.

Adam: No, no, no, what are you doing? You're ruining my cereal!

Leo: Oh, am I? Oh, yeah, you're right. That is not milk. Here, let me fix that. There ya' go. There. Eat up, teammate.

Adam: I can't eat this! Not without a spoon!

Leo: Oh, yeah.

. . .

( school bell rings )

Chase: What is Bree still doing here? She said she had to study for a test.

Leo: Yeah, she's not studying for a test.

( whooshing sound )

Caitlin: So, Bree, I was thinking we could go to the park and fish spare change out of the fountain. Last week, I made a buck seventy-three!

Bree: Whatever we do, I have to avoid my brother. I totally ditched him to hang out with you guys!

Chase: She lied to me!

Leo: Wow. Millions of dollars of technology for you to get a tiny grasp of the obvious.

Chase: She thinks she can ditch me and get away with it? Ohh. She is going down. Mr. Davenport gave me an Override App so in an emergency situation, I can take over Adam and Bree's bionics.

( whirring sound )

Chase: Connect to Bree.

( laughter )

Bree: Ow! Ow! Ow! Why am I hitting myself?

( laughter )

Leo: Whoa!

Bree: Time to wake up, Bree! Not sleepy anymore! Wake up!

Caitlin: I was friends with a self-slapper once. I'm not going down that road again!

( laughter )

. . .

Adam: Man, that cereal's really got me going! I could bite the head off a gazelle!

( comical growling )

Leo: Great! Let's focus that... Disturbing energy on winning!

Gordo: Greetings, Leo. I'll have you know that I also found a secret weapon-- A second-year senior who will conquer you and your freakish teammate.

Adam: Who?

Leo: I think he's talking about that guy.

Gordo: Nervous? I would be if I were you. They call him Destructo.

Leo: I'm not nervous. I have him.

Adam: Yeah. They call me Adam-O. Man, I need a better name.

Perry: Listen up, you flabby, weak underachievers! Here's how this works-- Two teams face off. First team thrown off the platform loses. Sudden death-- No second chances! Short kid and doofus, you're up against spaghetti legs and bowl cut! Get ready to Spiral!

Adam: Whoo!

( applause )

Perry: Stupid thing's broken!

( imitates air horn )

Students: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Adam: Leo!

Perry: Way to stick the landing! Ha ha! Next!

Adam: Yes!

Leo: We won! I am the Death Spiral master!

Adam: Rrraaaahhhh!

Leo: He is the Death Spiral master!

Adam: Whoo!

. . .

Bree: Hey, guys. Sorry about earlier. It's this new school-- It's got me all slap-happy.

( whirring sound )

Caitlin: That's okay. We all have our moments.

Bree: Great. ( speaking gibberish )

Caitlin: Bree, you're having a lot of moments!

Chase: No, it's just, um, I speak Swedish.

( speaking Spanish )

Bree: A-And Spanish. ( nervous chuckle ) S'up, ladies? How you livin'? And man-ish.

Caitlin: I don't know what happened. She wasn't this weird last week!

Bree: You did this to me. You're using that stupid Override App.

Chase: Yep, because you lied to me.

Bree: Well, since you used bionics on me, I'm gonna use mine on you. And beware. It's coming when you least expect it.

Chase: Ooh! Those are big words coming from the manly Spanish-speaking Swede.

. . .

Leo: Come on! Yes! Whoo-hoo!

Perry: If they ask at the hospital, that did not happen on school grounds!

Leo: You just keep getting better and better!

Adam: I know, and I'm not even trying!

Bree: All right, Chase, time for a little bionic revenge.

Chase: Aah! What the--? You will pay for this!

( laughter )

Adam: I want that tail!

Perry: This is it-- The final showdown. Who'd have thought you'd make it? A 90-pounder like you should have eaten it in round two.

Gordo: Yeah, tell him!

Perry: Shut it, little orphan Annie! Come on!

( imitates air horn )

Perry: Seriously?

Adam: Leo!

Gordo: Tell my mom I love her!

( spectators react )

( celebrating )

Leo: We won! We won!

Adam: That's it? No way! We're too pumped for this thing to end! I want more! More! More!

Bree: Leo! What's going on with Adam?

Leo: Oh, he's just a winner, like me. Me and Adam winners. I didn't do anything.

Bree: Did you give him power pellets?

Leo: Just one... Bowl.

Bree: What? Too many of those pellets will keep his adrenaline going! It'll snowball, and he won't be able to turn his bionics off!

Leo: Doesn't matter now. We won!

Perry: Now, on to the finals!

Leo: The what?

Perry: There can only be one true winner of the Death Spiral Smackdown, so tomorrow we go mano-a-mano. Gentlemen, your teammate is now your enemy!

( evil giggle )

Leo: I need to go against him?

Adam: Rrraaaahhhh!

Perry: Yep. So you go home and get your rest. And I'm gonna go home and get my camera.

. . .

Adam: Hey, Leo, do I seem a little jittery to you? Huh? Huh? Do I? Answer me!

Leo: Well, jittery, no. Completely maniacal and full of rage, maybe.

Adam: Oh, I need to sit down. I'm hungry! Oh, I need some more of that yummy cereal.

Leo: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No more cereal.

Adam: Why not?

Leo: Because... We're out of milk.

Adam: No we're not. It's right... Here. Okay. We're out.

Leo: Hey, it's the little drummer boy.

Chase: It's all that was left in the lost and found.

Leo: And the hat?

Chase: It's part of the ensemble. You can't break up the set!

Leo: Come on, Bree, you have to help me! I need to go against Adam tomorrow, and he's like a big, strong, goofy godzilla, and I'm Tokyo!

Bree: What's the big deal? Just quit!

Leo: I can't just quit. The whole school is expecting me to take on Adam tomorrow, and if I quit, I'll just be humiliated. More humiliated. If I wanted to lose, I could have just stuck with Gordo and kept a friend.

Bree: The pellets will wear off eventually, but until they do, just keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't destroy the whole house.

Adam: Can somebody help me put this back on?

. . .

Perry: Whoever claimed the drum major uniform yesterday from the lost and found, it's not yours! Give it back!

Bree: All those clothes, and you couldn't find something to cover your face?

Chase: Go ahead. Try to humiliate me. I have 36 items of clothing on.

Bree: Why would I try? You're humiliating yourself.

Chase: Oh, yeah? Well, the tin man called. He wants his neck back.

Bree: It's to deflect your stupid App from connecting to my chip. It's the heavy duty kind they use in restaurants.

( laughter )

Bree: Look what you've done. Everyone thinks we're weirdos.

Chase: Hey, it's your fault for lying and ditching me.

Bree: I-I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Caitlin's the first real friend I've ever had. Just 'cause I want to hang out with her doesn't mean I like you any less.

Chase: Yeah, well, I have other friends too now, so...

Bree: That's great. I mean, you should go hang out with them sometimes.

Chase: Yeah, I don't really have other friends. But I'm gonna go get some.

Bree: Good. Oh, and before you do that, you might want to lose a layer or two.

Chase: Yeah, and you might want to lose the baked potato neck.

Leo: So, as it turns out, Adam is too sick to compete. Such a shame. I guess that means I'm the winner. "Winner, party of Leo, your trophy's ready."

Perry: Sick? He can't be sick! He's supposed to be here to annihilate you so I can run you up the flagpole and salute failure!

Leo: Adam is so sick, he can... Barely move.

. . .

Adam: Hey, what gives? Who locked me in here? ( gasps ) Leo! What was he thinking? I coulda missed the smackdown!

. . .

Perry: It pains me deep to my core to say this, but the winner by default is...

( stammering )

Gordo: Adam!

Leo: Huh?

Adam: Sorry I'm late, Principal Perry. Somebody locked me in my cap-- Bedroom. But I just had a gigantic bowl of my favorite cereal, so now I'm ready to compete, crush, and destroy.

Perry: That's the dingo spirit! Bring on the pain!

Adam: Whoo!

Leo: But wait, no! We're like brothers.

Adam: Oh. Good point. Um... Well, then, I guess I will crush and destroy you as gently as possible while still crushing and destroying you.

( air horn blows )

Perry: I bought a new one!

( cheers and applause )

( gasps and shrieks )

Adam: Whoo-hoo!

Perry: Let's go! I'm paying these pandemics by the hour! Break something already!

Leo: Hey, hey! Tickle-tickle!

Perry: Faster! Faster! Aah! Stupid thing's broken!

( audibly exerting )

Leo: You're not helping!

Perry: I'm not trying!

Leo: No, no, no! Not again! Not again!

Adam: Countdown to launch in ten... Nine... Eight... Seven...

Leo: Eight! Nine!

Adam: Ten! Wait, stop! You're messing me up!

Bree: Adam ate a whole bowl of power pellets! He's gonna turn Leo into a human wrecking ball if we don't stop him from finishing his countdown!

Adam: Nineteen! Twenty!

Bree: Quick, use your Override App!

Chase: It's only for emergencies!

Bree: This is an emergency!

Adam: Twenty-four!

Chase: Connect to Adam!

Adam: Twenty-five!

( speaking woozily )

Adam: Wait, why-- Why aren't I destroying you?

Leo: I... Don't... Know... But... What I do know is...

Adam: Aaahhhh!

Leo: I win!

( cheers and applause )

Perry: Are you kidding me? Life was so much more gratifying when I was a prison guard! Here.

( mockingly )

Perry: Con-grat-u-la-tions.

Gordo: Way to go, Leo. I was secretly rooting for you to win.

Leo: You were not.

Gordo: Sure I was. I even sewed you this victory cape because when one loser wins, we all get bumped up a notch.

Leo: Oh. Oh, right. Exactly. That's why I did it. I mean, I had you in mind the whole time.

( clang )

Gordo: Ow! Watch it! That's my sewing hand!

Adam: Hey, Chase told me about the power pellets! Leo, I told you, I didn't want to use bionics. You took advantage of me, Leo.

Leo: I'm sorry. I just-- I really wanted to win. I didn't mean for it to hurt our friendship.

Adam: Yeah, well, it did, and nothing's going to fix it.

Leo: You can have my victory cape.

Adam: Buddy! Ooh!

( imitates airplane engine )

. . .

Adam: Wait. So you can control what I do from across the room.

Chase: The Override App is pretty cool, huh?

Adam: So you're the one that's been making me do stupid stuff all these years.

Chase: No, that's all you.

Adam: Well, don't do it again. I have a hard enough time controlling myself.

Chase: Okay, but... That means I can't ever do this. Connect to Adam.

( whirring and plinking sounds )

Adam: Ooh! Make me do the chicken dance!

Chase: Adam, I disconnected.

Adam: I know, but it's just too much fun!

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