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Exoskeleton vs. Grandma/Transcript

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This is a complete transcript of the episode Exoskeleton vs. Grandma.

Transcript

Leo: Oooh. Ah. Ho, ho. What's this?

Donald: Hey, that's part of my Put That Down collection.

Leo: Oh, sweet pen.

Donald: It's not a pen. It's a highly-pressurized air canister that can inflate a blimp in 8.6 seconds.

Leo: This little thing?

Donald: Mmm-hmm.

Leo: Impossible.

( beep, wind howling )

Donald: Ah!

Leo: You might wanna put a little warning sign on that. So, what're you having? Garage sale for geeks?

Donald: ( laughs ) No. We are preparing for... The Call.

Chase: Once a year, Mr. Davenport and I present his newest devices to all the international buyers. In other words...

Chase & Donald: Ka-ching!

( blubbering )

Chase: What are you doing?

Leo: I wanna be in on... The Call.

Chase: Yeah, sorry, Leo. There's no more room. I'm already the product specialist, the set designer, chief demonstrator, and insanely happy spokesmodel.

Donald: Although, there might be a role for Leo. As long as someone follows him around everywhere he goes with a fire extinguisher.

Chase: But Mr. Davenport, I'm way better at selling this stuff than Leo.

Leo: Please. I could sell nunchucks to a nun named Chuck. I could sell this thing without even knowing what it is.

Donald: Leo, no. That's an electrofield destabilizer. Whatever you do, don't let it-- Touch metal.

Chase: I have to admit. A small part of me was hoping that would happen.

Leo: Well, can a big part of you come over and help me up?

. . .

Tasha: Yes, Mom. Leo and I love our new home. Oh, you should come and visit.

Leo: 467, 468-- Put some muscle in it. 469...

Donald: Shh! I'm picking up radio free Singapore.

( sings in foreign language )

Donald: That's gonna be a hit. You mark my words.

Tasha: But not today. Why? Because Donald's not feeling well. Look, I gotta go. He just threw up in my purse. Love you, bye!

Donald: You know, we're gonna have to have your mother over eventually.

Tasha: No, we don't. Look, my mom doesn't just visit. She has inspections. If she spots anything weird, she will use it as an excuse for her to move in.

( loud woosh )

Bree: Nothing weird here.

Donald: Honey, when your mother visits, I will shower her with love, I will make her feel welcome and I will do anything humanly possible to--

( doorbell, gasps )

Tasha: It's my mother!

Donald: I'll be in the lab.

Tasha: Quick! Turn invisible! Oh, come on, you have every other freaky ability. Just run and hide.

Rose: Oh, good. It's unlocked.

Tasha: Mom! You're here.

Rose: Would've been here sooner if it hadn't been for your stupid gate.

Tasha: Oh, that's just Donald's titanium security fence.

Rose: Well, if you ran it with your car hard enough, it pops right open. Leo. There's my baby. Come and give me some sugar. Ooooh! Grandma's so glad to see you. Let me see your face. Let me see that face. Let me see your face. Let me see your face. You're so cute! Grandma brought your favorite bran fruitcake.

Leo: Oh! Wow. Grandma, you shouldn't have!

Rose: Oh, baby.

Leo: And when I say you shouldn't have--

Tasha: Leo...

Rose: Who are they?

Tasha: They are the... staff! Big house.

Rose: Staff? Oh, Tasha. Still so lazy.

Tasha: And you are still so-- my mother.

( chuckles )

Rose: So what do you do?

Adam: Well, I collect rocks, I lift heavy things, I chase bugs.

Tasha: Adam is our chef.

Adam: Oh. Right. Chef. Normally, I wear a puffy hat and I yell things in Italian. Bonjour!

( nervous laughter )

Tasha: What a wonderful sense of humor.

Rose: And who is she?

Tasha: Bree is my personal trainer.

Rose: Oh. And what exactly does a personal trainer do?

Bree: It's personal?

Tasha: And Chase-- Chase is Leo's nanny. Man-nanny. Manny.

Rose: Aren't you a little young to be a manny?

Chase: Aren't you a little young to be a grandma?

Grandma Rose: Oh, I like him.

. . .

Donald: I said, of course not. A camel has two humps.

( laughter )

Chase: Guys, so, here are your fully collated, color-coded presentation packets. I had them laminated so you can practice in the shower.

Leo: Uh-huh. You know, I say we just wing it.

Donald: Leo's right. We shouldn't overthink it.

Chase: But, guys, I wrote an entire script filled with our spontaneous, yet, witty banter.

Leo: And we would all love to hear that someday, but now, Big D and Leo are gellin' on the sellin'.

( blubbering )

Chase: No, no, no handshakes! I mean, uh-- Leo's great and all, but you and I are the dynamic duo here. What if something happened? He could get electrocuted. Again.

Donald: Yeah, but we could use the help. I mean, this year I am unveiling my coup d'etat.

Leo: With children in the room?

Donald: No, I am talking about a level of technology so amazing that I have to unveil it game show style! It's my exo-skeleton. And, Leo, you have been doing such a great job helping, you're gonna be in it when we make... The Call.

( laughs )

Chase: What? No. You said that I was gonna present the exo-skeleton.

Donald: Chase, you've been doing this for years. It's not gonna kill you to let Leo demo one thing. Besides, there will be plenty of other little things for you to do.

Leo: Yeah, like stand and point, vanna.

Chase: Fine, you know what? Leo should demo the exo.

Donald: See, that's more like it.

Chase: You deserve it, Leo.

Leo: Well, I do pride myself on my work ethic.

Chase: Buckle up, exo, 'cause you're about to go on Mr. Leo's wild ride.

( loud buzzing )

. . .

Rose: Mmm-mmm. See, there is too much technology around here. In my day, we didn't have all these gizmos and gadgets. You had your family, it was horrible, and you lived with it. And don't get me started on your staff. I mean, how is my Leo supposed to learn how to do anything for himself?

Tasha: Well, he'll learn without someone criticizing his every move. I'm guessing.

Rose: So, what is the master chef preparing anyway?

Adam: Uh...

Tasha: He's making-- What's easy, what's easy? Spaghetti. I love how you always follow the directions exactly as written.

Bree: Uh, hey, why don't we do some exercises? It'll help loosen up your creaky bones. And by creaky, I mean time-tested and full of experience!

Adam: Add one can of tomatoes.

( humming )

Adam: Simmer on low heat. Low heat. Oh, okay! Yeah! I'm cookin'! Which I always do.

Bree: Okay.

( moans )

Rose: Oh, thank you.

Bree: Um, let's move on to a simple little exercise that can strengthen your core while crushing a man's windpipe.

Rose: Oooh.

Tasha: They already kicked her out of book club for using that one. Anything else?

Bree: How about, um, pick up the hat? Yeah. You reach down like you're gonna pick up a hat, and then you kick the air behind you.

Rose: Oh! Oh! Oh! How'd you get behind me so fast?

Bree: Uh, how do you get in front of me so fast, you speedy, little grandma, you?

( laughs )

. . .

Leo: The Davenport Industries' Tabletop Particle Collider. I have absolutely no idea what it does, but it sure looks pretty.

Chase: Isn't he cute? Kids. Okay. Up next we something even more exciting. It's thrilling, yet mysterious. Exotic, but useful. I have no idea how any household has survived without the-- Leo.

Leo: Go ahead, you're doing great.

Chase: You stole my thunder. He stole my thunder!

Leo: Who needs thunder when you've got lightning? Zap.

Donald: Guys, uh, now might be a good time to unveil my coup d'etat.

Chase: Yes, Leo, why don't you go do your demo?

Leo: One coup de Leo coming right up.

. . .

Donald: You know, ladies and gentlemen, I think it's about time for the moment we have all been waiting for.

Chase: I know it's the moment I've been waiting for.

( heavy footsteps )

Leo: Exo-skeleton in the house!

Donald: That's right, the power of ten men in a one size fits all suit. Leo, please demonstrate by lifting this table. Now, ladies and gentlemen, see how elegantly he--

( Leo moaning )

Donald: Smashes my table of priceless inventions.

( gasps )

Chase: Gee, if only I had warned you that letting Leo help us was a bad idea.

Donald: Leo, stop!

Leo: I can't! I'm not doing anything! This thing is out of control! Whoa!

Chase: Oh!

Leo: My bad! You didn't need that, did you? Oh! Was that expensive?

Donald Live web cams. You know anything can and will happen, it's just extraordinary. You know what? We'll call you back.

. . .

( yells )

Leo: Okay, this is the scariest and most awesome thing that has ever happened to me.

Chase: Are you using me as a shield?

Donald: You're bionic.

( yelps )

Donald: I don't get it. I must've tested it, like 120 times. I don't know what could've happened.

Chase: Something must've gone haywire with the power source when I reversed the controls. I guess? I'm sorry. I-- I didn't mean for it to go berserk. I just wanted to mess with Leo.

( gasps )

Donald: Well, next time, could you just give him a wedgie like everybody else?

Leo: Big D, I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship, but I think I'm about to crush you.

( yells )

Donald: Not the face! Not the face!

( powering down )

Chase: I think it drained its battery!

Donald: Oh. Still unnecessarily handsome. Leo, get out of that thing.

Leo: I know this wasn't exactly what you were going for, Big D, but, man, are we gonna sell a ton of these!

. . .

Donald: Chase, how could you do this?

Chase: Come on, with my mechanically inclined intelligence, how could I not do it?

Donald: Well, you did something, all right. You ruined my biggest sale of the year. Now I'm gonna have to reschedule... The Ca-- You know what? It's not even fun to say anymore.

Tasha: What on earth is going on down here?

Donald: The exo-skeleton went berserk and almost crushed me.

Tasha: My mother is upstairs.

Donald: Yeah, okay. You win.

Tasha: She's been asking where you guys are and I'm running out of excuses. I need everyone upstairs acting like a normal family now!

Donald: You know what? We should probably do what she says. She's more prone to violence than the exo-skeleton. And, Chase, I am very disappointed in you. I don't want you on the next Call.

Leo: I wasn't trying to bump you out. I was trying to show you up. You know, add a little sizzle to your steak.

Chase: Well, congratulations, Leo. You won. You got the sizzle, you got the steak, you got the whole stinkin' cow!

Leo: Hey, you're my manny. You're supposed to be nice to me.

( beeping )

( mechanical whirring )

. . .

Rose: Donald!

Donald: Rose.

Rose: About time. I was beginning to think you were avoiding me.

Donald: I was-- Uh, sick. I mean I was sick. I was feeling very ill. And I had a very important phone call. Uh, it's not nearly as important as you.

Rose: ( chuckles ) Nice save.

Donald: Thank you. I thought so. Honey, what're Adam and Bree doing?

Tasha: You mean our chef and trainer?

Donald: That explains what they're doing.

Adam: Uh, just a couple more minutes.

Leo: Till what? You melt the pot?

Tasha: You know what? Let's just all sit down and have a nice dinner together.

Leo: We can sit down, but having a nice dinner just isn't gonna happen.

Rose: Hey, you're Leo's manny and you're letting him near a hot stove?

Chase: Watch it, Leo. You wanna get sent to bed without any supper?

Leo: Yes.

( pasta rattles )

Rose: What the--?

Adam: "Pa-sghetti?"

Rose: What in the name of great Caesar's ghost is going on around here?

Tasha: Trust me, there is nothing unusual going on here. Everything is completely normal.

( whirring, beeping )

Donald: That was horrible timing.

Rose: What is that?

Leo: That is another member of our staff. Go away, James. We don't need you right now.

Rose: Boy, I'm old, not senile, and that's no butler. I'm out.

Bree: Adam, don't just sit there. Go take that thing down!

Tasha: No! If you do that, someone will know that someone has certain abilities!

Adam: Oh, well, great. Now dinner's ruined.

Rose: Donald, You're the man of the house, do something!

Donald: Right. I'll take care of this.

( yells )

Rose: My hero.

Leo: Wait, I have an idea.

( yells )

Rose: Now, do you see? Your little gizmo's putting us all in danger. That's robot's about to kill us. Now, see, back when I was a kid, back in the day--

Donald: Yeah, that's a fascinating story, Rose. Do you mind if we hear about it later?

Rose: Oh!

Tasha: It's destroying our house and you're tossing pillows at it.

Donald: Well, they're called throw pillows.

Leo: Time for this exo to meet its match.

Chase: The electrofield de-stabilizer. Great idea, Leo.

Leo: Thanks. Here. You should do it. Sorry for stealing your sizzle.

Chase: No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I just have to get used to the idea of having another brother around.

Donald: Guys, I'm really enjoying the heartfelt moment, but I'm running out of pillows here.

Leo: Should we take this bad boy down together?

Chase: I'll flip, you zap?

( objects breaking )

Chase: Hey, exo!

Leo: Here comes the pain. Oh. Hey. Hey, Chase, did we have a plan B?

Rose: Hey!

( whirrs )

Rose: Nobody lays a hand on my grandson. It's time to pick up the hat!

Bree: Way to go, Grandma! And you didn't even break a hip!

( mechanical whirring )

Chase: Look out, Leo! Stay close.

( electricity crackling )

Chase & Leo: Yes!

( cheering )

Rose: Somebody better tell me what's going on right now. And right now just passed, so you're not talking fast enough.

Donald: Uh, Rose, there is a completely rational explanation for all of this. You are, uh, delusional. Who wants dessert?

Tasha: You know what, Mom? This is our life. Our house may be high-tech and chaotic, but it is full of love. And it may not be perfect for you but it is perfect for our family.

Rose: What family? Wait a minute, who are these people?

Donald: They are, uh, my brother's kids. That I adopted when he died. Fell in a volcano.

Rose: Well, why didn't you just say so? Now it all makes sense. You're just a modern family with a bunch of adorable kids. Who is gonna need their grandma around all the time. You know, I can stay for a few days in that spare room you got down the hall. Come on, baby. I got my overnight case in the car, and Gladys is watching Poochie so it's no problem. Don't thank me now. Come on.

Donald: Chase, you really messed up today, but you kinda made up for it in the way you helped Leo like a brother. And since we have to reschedule it anyways, I want you both to be on... The Call. Hoo-hoo, it's back, baby.

. . .

Rose: Oh, man. I am starving.

( doorbell )

Donald: Oh, that must be the pizza.

Rose: Yeah.

Leo: I'll get it!

Tasha: Leo, what're you doing in that thing?

( mechanical whirring )

Leo: Gettin' free pizza!

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