This is a complete transcript of the episode Rats on a Train.


Donald: Okay, guys. The next phase of your training is handling extreme climates. So we'll frost Chase, bake Bree, and submerge Adam. That's not part of the training, I just got one of those carnival dunk tanks and I can't wait to try it out. Okay, Chase, I'm setting your tube on "Antarctic." If it gets to be too much, just give me a sign.

Chase: Bring it!

( tube powering up )

Leo: Hey, that's not fair. I want to be abused by weather.

Bree: Leo, if you really want to be abused, try standing over here next to Adam's morning breath.

Adam: I don't have morning breath. It smells like that all day.

Donald: Leo, these guys are genetically engineered to handle these kind of climates. You're not.

Leo: I can handle extreme cold.

Donald: Leo, you get brain freeze from chewing mint gum.

( cell phone ringtones )

Donald: Davenport. What?! Well, that's terrible! I mean, that's awesome, but that's terrible! I- I gotta do something.

Adam: What's going on? What's so terrible?

Donald: I created the world's fastest train, but now it's speeding out of control full of highly explosive nuclonium towards downtown Welkerville!

Bree: Well, then what was awesome?

Donald: It's going like 400 miles an hour.

Leo: Ho ho ho ho!

Donald: My entire career is riding or perhaps crashing on this train! I don't understand it! My design was flawless!

Leo: So flawless you forgot to include an emergency brake?

Donald: No. I never counted on the conductor dropping his papaya smoothie all over the controls and then jumping off the train.

Adam: Well, if I were to build a high-speed train, the first thing I would have put in was a cup holder. Oh! And one of those bumper stickers on the back that says, "I brake for cows."

Donald: When stuff like this happens, they always blame the scientist. This is human error. Scientists don't make mistakes.

( tapping )

Donald: Chase. Now I have to explain the whole train story again.

Adam: Ohh.

. . .

Donald: The good news is, whenever I invent something, I always create a backup device to support it.

Chase: As opposed to just building it right the first time.

Donald: Ya know, I think I liked you better frozen. My auxiliary decelerator will stop anything-- Ocean liners, freight trains, tanks, eighteen-wheelers, twelve-wheelers--

Leo: Does it stop unnecessarily long explanations?

Donald: Apparently so. Only problem is, I can't figure out how to get it on the train.

Bree: You guys thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Chase & Bree: Our first mission!

Adam: I want a pet pig!

Donald: No. No, no, no. You are not prepared for this kind of mission. It is a highly volatile situation. Down the line-- Fingers crossed-- There will be plenty of other horrible disasters.

Chase: Yeah, but... You need to stop this train now. And you need us to help you do it. Your career depends on it.

Bree: Please, Mr. Davenport. This is what you trained us for.

Donald: All right, you gotta leave the nest sometime. Okay, get in your capsules, guys. I can't believe I'm saying this-- (choking up) It's time to upgrade your mission suits.

Adam: I hope you addressed the chafing problem.

( powering up )

( whoosh )

Adam: Sweet! Ooh! I see you put in seat warmers.

Donald: All right... We'll be able to use these earpieces to communicate, and I'll monitor your progress on the train surveillance system. That way if you blow yourselves up in a fiery explosion I can watch it unfold in glorious HD. That came out wrong.

Chase: We get our first mission!

Bree: And we get to save lives!

Adam: Seriously, I want a pig!

Donald: Bree... Chase... Adam.

Adam: Hey!

Donald: Leo!

Leo: What am I supposed to use-- two cans and a string?

( footsteps approach )

Tasha: Well, your favorite news reporter just got their big break.

Chase: Linda Montieres?

Bree: Chip Spudner?

Adam: And Tom Constan with sports?

Tasha: No, me! I am done reporting on singing dogs and babies who look like ex-presidents. The network finally gave me a real assignment. I'm covering a runaway train!

Adam: No way! Ain't that a coinky-dink? Mr. Davenport--

Donald: Is, uh-- is, uh, so proud of you, honey.

Tasha: Will you watch Leo? I have a train to catch.

Donald: Absolutely. And don't forget, be balanced and fair, collect all the facts, and blame the conductor-- he's an idiot.

( door closes )

Leo: This stinks. Everybody gets to go on an adventure but me.

Donald: Leo, just because you can't go on the train doesn't mean we can't have fun here. I'll pop in the Gooby the Spunky Caboose DVD for you.

Leo: I'm fourteen.

Donald: Okay, then pop it in yourself. Come on, guys, we don't have a lot of time. We gotta get you in your gear.

( door opens, closes )

( contents shifting )

Leo: Ha! Look at that-- I'm travel-size!

. . .

Tasha: (breathless) Okay, Roger, how do I look? Am I in focus? Okay. We're on in three, two...

( news broadcast theme music )

Tasha: Tasha Davenport here outside the Glenview driving range where we're waiting for the the runaway bullet train to--

( whack )

Man: Fore!

( thud )

Tasha: Oh, my gosh! Roger! Is the camera okay?!

. . .

( train whistle blows )

Adam: Whoo-hoo! Oooh!

Chase: Adam, don't touch that! That's nuclonium.

Adam: That's exactly why I want to touch it. Ow!

Chase: Come on. We have to work fast.

Bree: Hold on! I'm updating my status. "Bree is... facing an uncertain future."

Adam: Hey, Chase. You spilled something on your new suit.

Chase: Huh?

Adam: Ho ho ho ho!

Chase: Oh, Adam, it looks like you spilled something on your new suit, too.

Adam: What? I just got this thing. Hey, quit flicking me. I'm trying to find the stain.

Donald: Focus. We only got fifteen minutes before this thing hits the turn, flies off the tracks, and blows up Welkerville.

Adam: Boy, I'm glad I don't live there.

Donald: Chase, locate the onboard braking system. Bree, inspect the tanks for leaks, and Adam, get a picture of the speedometer for my web page. Wow!

Chase: Hey, Adam. Hand me the decelerator.

Adam: Uh-oh. I don't know where I left our mission bag.

Leo: It's on the rope.

Adam: Oh, thanks, bag!

Leo: Uhh!

All: Leo?

Donald: Leo?!

Leo: Which way is the dining car? I'd like to get a bite to eat before I save the town of Welkerville!

. . .

Tasha: Okay, roll. Roll!

( theme plays )

Tasha: I'm Tasha Davenport reporting live. Authorities tell me the bullet freight train will roar past behind me at any moment, and you are here for the exclusive look.

( crossing bell ringing )

( train whistle blowing )

Tasha: Roger? I-- I think the train is on the other track. Behind you. Quick! Turn the camera around, we're missing it!

( horn blowing )

Tasha: Ahh!

( sputtering )

Tasha: Ohh--

( spitting )

Tasha: Bug mouth.

. . .

Bree: Leo, what are you doing here?!

Leo: Joining the mission. I want to be like you guys!

Adam: But Leo, you're not like us. And I don't mean that in a bad way, we just have really cool, super-fun features, and you don't.

Chase: Uh, Leo, where's the decelerator we need to stop this train?

Leo: You mean the pointy metal thing that was poking me in the butt?

Donald: It's right here!!!

. . .

Donald: Leo, I am supposed to be watching you!

Leo: And you are-- in glorious HD!

Chase: Leo, without the decelerator, we can't stop the train.

Bree: Mr. Davenport, what are we gonna do?

Donald: I'm coming to get Leo. If he blows up on that train, I'm gonna have to get Tasha a puppy! I'll bring the decelerator in my high-speed helicopter. Wow! How many guys can say that they have to chase their high-speed train in their high-speed helicopter? I'm awesome! Okay, I'll be right there.

Chase: Okay, so I downloaded the train's route before we left the house. Let me pull it up so I can calculate how much time we have left. Oh, no! Guys! There's only a two percent chance that we can save the train! And if the train goes, we go! Brace yourselves! Bionic people do not explode well.

Bree: Chase, relax. I mean, there's a possibility we can survive the crash.

Adam: Oh. Leo won't.

Bree: Oh. Right. Never mind.

Chase: I'm sorry you guys have to see me like this. I know you think of me as your ultra-competent, unwavering, fearless leader.

Adam: Not really.

Bree: Yeah, just the opposite, actually. Chase, look, everything is gonna be fine.

Leo: Yeah! I mean, Big D's on his way in his high-speed helicopter.

Chase: But... What if we can't attach the device? What if the sudden stop causes the train to tip? What if Mr. Davenport gets caught in a traffic jam?!

Bree: In a helicopter?

Chase: There could be birds.

Adam: That drive cars? I don't think so.

Leo: Chase, you're overthinking this. The answer is simple-- If Sally's on a train traveling at a certain speed, X, she's gonna reach the curve at a certain time, Y. All we need to do is multiply X by Y to find out if we have enough track to stop.

Chase: Okay... But what if Sally is sitting on enough nuclonium to reduce an entire city to a stain?

Leo: Then Sally should've taken the bus.

. . .

Tasha: I'm Tasha Davenport reporting live from the danger zone just outside Welkerville where-- where minutes from now the-- the- the train is expected to-- to-- um...

( train whistle blowing )

Tasha: We-- we-- we-- we got here too late? We missed it again? Are you kidding me?! Um, um, well, uh, for those of you tuning in, it was silver and-- and shiny and-- and-- and-- and it looked, um... it looked like... like this. And-- and-- and it was going really fast. It was just-- click-clack, click-clack, chooga-chooga-chooga-chooga-chooga--choog-- choo! Choooo! Uh, authorities are doing all that they can to stop the train before it... Boom! Boooom!!!!

. . .

Leo: Oh, I know! In the movie Sparkman and the Train From Tomorrow, Sparkman hops in front of the train and stops it with his pinkie. Just do that!

Adam: Leo, I don't have that ability.

Leo: Well, then you need an upgrade.

( horn honks )

Chase: Guys! Mr. Davenport's here! He's really here! I told you we'd be fine.

Adam: No, you didn't.

Leo: I don't remember that.

Bree: Yeah, just the opposite, actually.

Donald: Okay, I'm gonna drop the decelerator now. Make sure you catch it, it's very delicate.

Adam: Okay!

Donald: Pretend it's a baby.

Adam: Okay!!!

( clanking )

( clanking continues )

Adam: Pretend I caught it!

Donald: For the record, when I fill out the incident report, I'm putting "human error."

Leo: Okay, this just went from "comic book cool" to "real life terrifying." My new mission is to get the heck off this train!

Donald: Okay, we're gonna have to abort the mission! Never liked Welkerville, anyways. All right, I'm gonna drop down the rope ladder. Everybody up-- Leo first.

Leo: You don't have to tell me twice. Come on, guys, let's go home and have some cocoa! Guys? Cocoa!

Bree: We can't quit now.

Chase: If we do, it means we failed our first mission.

Adam: Yeah, we've been training our whole lives for this moment now. I'm not giving up.

Leo: Come on, this thing's about to crash. And we've done everything humanly possible.

Chase: But that's just it. Mr. Davenport made us superhuman, because when all else fails, we can't.

Bree: Yeah. We put ourselves in danger for the sake of humanity.

Leo: Well, if you guys aren't going, I'm not going either.

Bree: Leo, this is too dangerous for you.

Leo: Please. My middle name is "Danger."

Adam: I thought it was "Francis."

Leo: It's pronounced "Danger."

Donald: Leo, we are running out of time. By "we," I mean you. Get up the ladder, now!

Leo: I'm coming! I'm climbing up the ladder right now! Pull me up!

( hits button, door closes )

Chase: Leo, are you crazy? What are you doing?

Leo: We're all in this together. I may not be superhuman, but it doesn't mean I can't be a hero.

Donald: A first-aid kit? Leo, when I open this thing, you better be inside! What do you guys think you're doing?!

Chase: We're completing our mission.

Donald: What? Guys, no!

Chase: Okay, we have approximately three minutes to slow this thing down before it hits the turn and flies off the tracks.

Leo: Okay, let's think. Objects in motion remain in motion unless an external force blocks it.

Bree: So what could block our path?

Adam: Oh, I got it! We can put the nuclonium tanks in front of the train!

Bree: Then the train would blow up.

Adam: Thus stopping it.

Leo: If only Wile E. Coyote was here. He'd have a giant rubber band he could tie around two trees to stop this thing.

Chase: Wait a minute. Leo, that's it! The Reid-Bennett bridge is 19.8 miles ahead. Our repelling ropes are unbreakable. So if Bree ties them all together--

Bree: I could use my super-speed to run ahead and wrap around the bridge supports!

Chase: And then Adam can use his super-strength to hold the rope and stop the train.

Bree: Let's do this thing!

Leo: Did I mention Wile E. Coyote dies in every episode?

Adam: Get the bag.

Leo: Can we chalk that up to human error?

Bree: Okay, the rope's secure. Also, look what the train did to this penny!

All: Oh!

Bree: And this squirrel!

All: Aaah!

Adam: Hey, guys, what if this doesn't work? I mean, I know I'm strong, but this goes way beyond our training scenarios-- what if I can't do it?

Bree: Adam, strength doesn't just come from your muscles. It also comes from your mind.

Chase: Okay, maybe someone else should take the rope.

Bree: This is everything we've prepared for. You can do this! Just believe in yourself. I believe in you.

Chase: I believe in you, too.

Leo: I just spent four hours in a bag without a bathroom-- I think my support goes without saying.

Chase: Okay, here we go. Twenty seconds.

( cell phone ringtones )

Bree: Hello? What?! Oh, no!

Chase: What?!

Adam: What is it now?

Bree: Caitlin just broke up with Rodney!

( gasps )

Chase: Bree, this is serious!

Bree: I know! They've been dating for, like, three months!

Chase: Oh. Hey, can I talk to her for a sec?

Adam: That was a good one.

Chase: Okay, guys-- five seconds. Four, three, two, one!

( metallic screeching )

All: Whoa!!! Aaah!!!!!

Donald: Guys? What's happening?

( screaming continues )

( metallic screeching winds down )

. . .

( theme plays )

Tasha: Lens cap! I'm Tasha Davenport reporting live, and I am standing in front of the runaway train, which has miraculously stopped. In a totally unrelated story, the Reid-Bennett bridge has completely collapsed. Looks like your morning commute is gonna be a doozy!

. . .

( electrical crackling )

( all grunting )

Leo: We're alive! You guys did it!

Bree: We completed our first mission!

Adam: Ow! Rope burn! Anybody see the first-aid kit?

Chase: Well, we did it. That includes you too, Leo. If you didn't waste your life watching cartoons every day, we might all be dead right now.

Leo: So, what's our next mission? A runaway rocket or a sinking battleship?

Chase: How about trying to explain this entire thing to your mom?

Leo: That's a mission we'll never return from. Big D!

Donald: Ah. Thank goodness. The train is okay. And you guys, you guys are okay, too. Yeah, that's good. All right, first one back to the lab gets a food pellet smoothie!

Chase: Yes!

Leo: I'll catch up! I haven't whizzed since Reno. I'd like to avoid another disaster.

. . .

Tasha: We have got an exclusive interview inside the runaway train. Maybe we'll even meet the person who stopped it.

( whistling )

Tasha: Aaah! Leo! Uh--

Leo: Hey! Am I on TV?

Tasha: Ha-- ha--

Leo: Hi, mom!

Tasha: Wherever your mother is right now, I am sure she is very angry, yet... relieved that you are okay. I am here with--

Leo: Leo "Danger" Dooley!

Tasha: How does it feel to be a... hero?

Leo: Well, uh-- Tasha, was it?-- I wouldn't exactly explain myself as a hero... Actually, I would. I am a hero.

Tasha: And will you celebrate your accomplishment by spending two weeks in your room without television or video games?

Leo: I think it should be one week, or this exclusive interview goes straight to Linda Montieres!

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