This is a complete transcript of the episode Robot Fight Club.


( grunting )

Donald: All right, guys, gather up. Today, we are going to be studying one of the most time-honored traditions in Japanese culture.

Bree: Ooh! Nun chuck combat?

Chase: Samurai sword fighting?

Adam: Wrestling ginormous dudes in diapers?

Donald: We will be studying the great martial art of aikido, the key principle of which is to deflect your aggressor's attack by using his own speed and strength against him.

Bree: Can we just get to the part where I obliterate them?

( ringtone )

Donald: I have to take this. Uh, it’s about money. Which is not more important than you, but is a very close second.

Chase: Hey, Adam, attack me.

Adam: Okay. Your hair is stupid, you’re short, your face is weird, you’re weird.

Chase: I meant hit me.

Adam: Okay, good, because that was going to be a really long list.

Bree: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure about this? Adam is ten times stronger than you.

Chase: Doesn’t matter. With aikido, a weak opponent can defeat a much stronger one.

Adam: Ah, but what if the weaker opponent fits neatly into an overhead storage bin? I’m talking about you.

Chase: Just hit me.

Adam: Whoa!

( groans )

Chase: And that’s all you need to know about aikido.

Bree: Oh, I get it.

( grunts )

( groans )

Chase: Bree, that’s not aikido!

Bree: Oh, really? My bad.

( both grunting )

Bree & Adam: ( singsongy ) Oh!

Leo: Chase, I need your help. The annual Mission Creek Robot Throwdown is coming up.

Chase: Leo, for the last time. I’m not a robot. I’m a man. One day, I’ll be a man.

Leo: I’m not talking about you. It’s a competition where remote control robots fight to the death. Here, take a look.

Chase: Leo, that’s cool and all, but I’ve got way better things to do than--

Leo: The grand prize is $500.

Chase: And I’m in.

Kevin: Yeah!

Chase: Who’s that guy?

Leo: Kevin Stone. That smug jerk wins every year. He thinks he’s so much better than me.

Chase: Sounds like he is better than you.

Leo: That’s not the point! So I was thinking…

Chase: That if the two of us teamed up and built a robot together we could take Kevin down. That’s a great idea. We’ll make a perfect team. I’m an amazing engineer, a brilliant designer, and the most intelligent person on the planet. And you… are the guy who picked me.

. . .

Chase: What do you think?

Leo: This is awesome! Now all it needs are laser cannons, flamethrowers, and satellite radio so we can pump up the jams.

Chase: Leo, this is why you always lose to Kevin. You rely on flash when you should focus more on speed and stability.

Leo: Gotcha. So where do you want the flamethrowers?

Donald: Ooh, are you guys working on a combat robot?

( squeals )

Leo: Yep. We’re getting ready for the big robot throwdown!

Donald: Mind if I take a look?

Chase: Sure.

Donald: All right. All right, very impressive. Yeah, looks like you are on to something here. Can I make one suggestion though? Let me join your team. I have made a fortune designing stuff like this. And if I am on your team, you are guaranteed to win.

Chase: Fine with me.

Leo: Why not?

Donald: Yes! I love robot competitions. They really bring out my inner geek.

Leo: Wow, so there’s an inner one, too?

. . .

Bree: Caitlin, this is so boring. Wouldn’t you rather go to a movie?

Caitlin: No.

Bree: Yogurt shop?

Caitlin: No.

Bree: Buy matching pink cars and race across the country?

Caitlin: No.

Bree: Okay, Caitlin, what is going on with you? All you ever want to do is hang out in my living room.

Caitlin: I guess I should tell you. The reason I always want to hang at your house is because I kind of have a crush on Adam.

Bree: Adam who? Wait, wait, my brother Adam? Ew, Caitlin, no.

Caitlin: Why not? Compared to my last two boyfriends, he’s an upgrade. For starters, he’s real.

Bree: Okay, first off, Adam’s not here. And second, the whole thing is weirding me out. Let’s just go to the mall.

Caitlin: Will Adam be there? I’m joking. Sort of. I’m not.

Bree: Just wait right here, I’m gonna get my new jacket. Back in a sec.

Adam: Oh. Caitlin. You’re here. Again. Uh, Bree.

Bree: Did I just--

Adam: Yep, you did.

Caitlin: I gotta go.

Bree: But-- no, wait, Caitlin! No, C--

Adam: Oh!

Bree: I cannot believe I just used my super-speed in front of Caitlin! I totally blew our bionic secret!

Adam: Oh, great. Now we’re gonna have to move far away and change our names. Quick, what do you think of “Adam Davenport?”

Bree: That’s your name.

Adam: I know, I meant for Chase. I’m gonna be Steve Greenberg.

. . .

Leo: Hey!

Chase: Wha--

Leo: You completely destroyed our robot!

Donald: That’s not true. Now it’s true.

( laughing )

( sighs )

Donald: I’m stripping it for parts because there were some major design flaws.

Chase: Like what?

Donald: Well, for starters it smashes way too easily. Watch. See?

Chase: I can’t believe you would do that!

Donald: Guys, I’m just trying to help you build a better robot. I mean, after all, I am a scientific genius. I’m a legendary thinker. I’m a man with hair that just won’t quit.

Chase: We don’t want you hijacking our team.

Donald: Look, guys, you know how I work. I don’t like sharing the spotlight. I don’t like listening to others. I’m a maverick!

Leo: We’ve noticed. That’s why we’re kicking you off our team, maverick.

Donald: What? You, you’re serious?

( sighs )

Donald: Okay. Fine.

Leo: Stop! No! No!

. . .

Adam: Oh! I love recycling drives! Lots of barrels, a gigantic tire. Bree, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Bree: Probably not.

Adam: Duh! Gigantic tire bowling!

Bree: Adam! That is not why we’re here.

Adam: It’s why I’m here. Just push me. And I know what you’re thinking. But this is gonna work way better than trash bag skydiving!

Bree: No. Adam. Stop. We have to find Caitlin and stop her before she tells anyone.

Adam: Okay, are you absolutely sure she saw you super-speed?

Bree: Well, she won’t return my texts or calls. And why else would she have run off like that?

Adam: Maybe she saw a squirrel. Always gets me running.

Bree: Hi, Caitlin.

Adam: What’s going on?

Caitlin: Oh, uh, nothing. Nothing at all. I, uh, I-- I-- bottles!

Bree: ( sighs ) See? She definitely knows! We can’t let her expose our secret. But maybe we can give her something she wants in exchange for her silence.

( gasps )

Adam: A hamster and a strawberry pie.

Bree: Or… there’s a guy she likes.

Adam: Ah, I see where you’re going with this. Maybe we can get him to hang out with her and then convince her she didn’t see what she thinks she saw. Wait, see, saw, carry the one. Yeah, that tracks. So, who’s the unlucky guy?

Bree: You.

Adam: Huh. Yu, the Japanese exchange student? Nice guy, I can see that working out.

Bree: No, Adam, she likes you.

Adam: Oh, no way, I’m not doing that. Caitlin’s super weird. Plus I’m not getting between her and that Japanese dude.

Bree: I’ll push you for ten frames of gigantic tire bowling.

Adam: You’ve got yourself a deal. Clear out people! She’s bowling, I’m rolling.

Bree: Well, I’d say put on a helmet, but at this point I don’t think it matters.

Adam: Let’s do this. ( pants ) Whoa! Really, Bree? A seven-ten split? Roll me back, let’s pick up the spare.

. . .

Announcer: Next up, the competitor who’s taken home the robot throwdown trophy five years and running. Kevin Stone, and his robot, the Merchant of Menace!

( cheering )

Kevin: Yeah!

Announcer: And finally, competing together for the first time, Leo Dooley, Chase Davenport, and their robot, Josh.

( cheering stops, murmuring )

Announcer: Josh?

Chase: I didn’t know the name was supposed to be scary.

Leo: The name is supposed to be scary.

Announcer: Okay, let’s get started-- Hold on. We have one more contestant. And he’s asked us to turn down the lights.

( music plays )

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the mechanic who makes them panic, the robot freak of Mission Creek, the inventor with the splen-- Okay, I ain’t reading all these. Here he is, Donald Davenport!

Chase: Is that--

Leo: It can’t be!

Both: It is.

Donald: Hey there, guys. Sorry I’m late. But I was really busy building this!

( audience murmuring )

Donald: Behold the predaraptor! Complete with hydraulic jaws of death! Boom! ( blows )

( laughing )

Donald: If you are pregnant, elderly, have a heart condition, or under the age of 13, you should probably go home now!

( audience cheers )

Leo: Bet you wish we had the flamethrowers now.

. . .

Donald: Hey, guys. Hey, I got you something so you will never forget your first robot throwdown.

Leo: “I got crushed by the Davenport Predaraptor?”

Donald: Not available in stores!

Announcer: Okay, everybody. It’s time for Robot Throwdown!

( cheering )

. . .

( chuckling )

( audience gasps )

. . .

Announcer: I think this bot’s down for the count, folks.

. . .

( chuckling )

Announcer: It’s a metal massacre!

. . .

Announcer: Ow! That one’s got to hurt!

Chase: Ooh!

Leo: There it is!

Announcer: Oh, another one bites the dust to Josh!

. . .

Donald: Whoo!

( laughing )

. . .

Kevin: Yeah!

. . .

Donald: Oh! Ha ha! ( grunting ) Oh!

( crying )

Announcer: The Predaraptor takes down another one!

Donald: You just got preschooled! Ha!

. . .

Leo: Oh! Yes!

Chase: Yes!

Announcer: Team Josh advances to the semifinals to take on Kevin Stone and the Merchant of Menace!

( cheering )

Donald: Hey, guys. I really hope you beat him.

Chase: You do?

Donald: Yes. So I can destroy you in the finals! Ha ha! You’re going down, you’re going down ♪ ♪ You’re going down, down, down, down ♪

. . .

Adam: Do I really have to do this?

Bree: Hey, I just tire-bowled a 250. You’re not backing out now.

( sighs )

Adam: Hey, Caitlin.

Caitlin: Ahh!

Adam: Whoa. Just want to talk, so you don’t have to freak out.

Caitlin: Freak out? I’m totally relaxed.

Adam: So I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out sometime. And trust me, you don’t have to say yes.

Caitlin: Yes!

Adam: You did just hear that last part, right?

Caitlin: Hey, why just hang out some of the time, when we can hang out all the time? Starting tonight!

Adam: Oh, but I was gonna go to the robot throwdown finals.

Caitlin: Uh, Adam, there are two of us in this relationship now. It’s not all about you. This is so exciting. Now, I don’t have to hide behind trees when I follow you home from school every day!

. . .

Announcer: And now it’s time for our second semifinal match. The winner will advance to the finals and take on Donald Davenport and his Predaraptor.

Donald: That’s me, everybody. The T-shirt guy. So…

( audience booing )

Announcer: Robots, take you starting positions, please.

( cheering )

Announcer: They’re circling, feeling each other out. The Merchant has Josh on the rope. Look at that bot bob-and-weave! Now Josh has the Merchant on the ropes.

( cheering )

Announcer: Five time champ, Kevin Stone, is out!

Chase: Whoo! Yes!

Leo: Yes! We won! We won! I can’t believe this!

Chase: Hi. Um, good match, Kevin. You are a worthy opponent, and, uh, a strong adversary.

Leo: Because I consider myself a good sportsman, I’ll wait until after you leave the arena to laugh, point, and gloat.

Chase: But I won’t! You lost!

Both: We won! You lost!

Chase: We won.

Leo: That robot.

. . .

( doorbell rings )

Adam: Oh, great. Caitlin’s an hour early.

( pounding on door )

Caitlin: It’s Caitlin! I know you’re in there! I can hear your voices!

( pounding continues )

Bree: No, sit down.

( pounding continues )

Caitlin: Oh, hi.

Bree: Hi, Caitlin.

Caitlin: Can you leave? I want to hang with Adam.

Bree: Yeah, sure. Just wanted to say--

Caitlin: Now, Bree.

Bree: Right. I’ll go. Good luck with that.

Caitlin: I brought five movies. I hope you like documentaries about Polish nuns who paint with their toes.

Adam: Look, Caitlin, I wanted to ask you--

Caitlin: Yes, the answer is yes!

Adam: Look, I need to talk to you about why you ran out the other night. I think there was a misunderstanding about what you saw.

Caitlin: What are you talking about? I didn’t see anything. I’m like, totally blind without my glasses.

Bree & Adam: What?

Caitlin: Yeah, I wasn’t wearing them, because I was afraid if you saw me, you’d think I was a dork.

( laughs nasally )

Adam: So why did you run out?

Caitlin: I got flustered when I heard your voice. Just like this morning at school. But that won’t happen anymore, ‘cause I’m totally comfortable around you now. Love me!

Adam: Wait, are you kidding me? I missed the robot throwdown for this?

Caitlin: Lucky you, huh? Wow, you must be feeling the passion too. Your eyes are really red. What is that smell?

Bree: Uh, I was smoking a turkey.

Caitlin: Can you help me find my glasses?

Bree: Uh. Hmm, oops. Found ‘em. Guess you better go home and get some new ones.

Caitlin: Wait!

Bree: Out you go.

Caitlin: Just let me tell Adam-- I’ll be right back. Don’t start the movies without me!

. . .

Announcer: Gentlemen, take your starting positions. It’s time for robot throwdown! And hurry this up. I gotta get this suit back to the funeral home.

Donald: Ha ha ha ha ha!

( laughing )

Chase: Whoa!

( grunts )

Leo: Whoa!

Audience: Oh!

Donald: Gotcha!

Leo: Whoa!

( Donald laughing )

Donald: I wish you guys had built a better robot, so your pain would last longer!

Leo: Let’s do this.

( grunts )

Donald: ( slow motion ) NO!

Leo: Yes! We did it!

Chase: Yeah! Whoo!

Both: Yes!

Donald: No!

Announcer: It’s all over! Josh takes the trophy! The robot with the stupid name wins!

Leo: Yes!

Chase: Yeah! Where’s your T-shirt now?

Donald: Oh, ha ha, very funny. Very impressive, guys. How’d you figure that out?

Chase: The principles of aikido. We used your own momentum and force against you.

Donald: So the students school the teacher. Very well played.

Chase: Thank you. It takes a big man to say that.

Leo: But apparently, a little man can too.

Donald: You do realize you’re shorter than me, right?

Chase & Leo: ♪ He just went down ♪ ♪ You just went down ♪

. . .

Adam: So, I think I finally got Caitlin off my back.

Bree: How’d you do that? With a tranquilizer gun and a crowbar?

Adam: Nope. I just helped her realize who her real true crush is.

Bree: Who?

( groans )

Chase: Leave me alone!

Caitlin: Don’t resist me, bookworm!

Bree: Aw, he finally got a girl to pay attention to him.

( sighs )

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