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This is a complete transcript of the episode Smart and Smarter.

Transcript

Adam: Check out what I've done with my locker! Tah-dah! Here's where I keep my books. Down here I keep random strands of hair I've collected to make fake mustaches. And here is where I stockpile old lunches, or, as I like to call it, my tum-tum yum-yums.

Bree: Hey, Leo. What's that?

Leo: My progress report. I can't believe my science teacher says I'm always late to class.

Adam: Well, you are always late to class.

Leo: I know that, but I don't need it publicized.

Chase: Look at this! An "A-minus"! I knew my Home Ec teacher had it out for me. Always criticizing my muffins.

Adam: Ha ha! I beat you! I got a "D-plus"! "Plus" because I'm better!

Bree: Adam, the "plus" is-- You know what? It's just not even worth it anymore.

Chase: "D" is not a good grade, but we don't really expect you to get good grades. I'm engineered to be the smartest person on the planet, and I just got an "A-minus." I've been relegated to into the huddled, unwashed masses of minuses, like you!

Bree: Chase, I know this must me hard for you, but, I mean, look at the bright side-- seeing you fall flat on your face is really fun for us!

Chase: I have got to find a way to reclaim my superiority.

Leo: Well, you could sign up for the Student of the Semester competition.

Chase: What's that?

Leo: Every semester, kids compete to see who can best improve the school. Whoever gets the most votes wins free pencils, a bumper sticker, and a cheesy picture of himself on the wall!

Chase: And that cheesy picture will show everyone that my brilliance reigns supreme! I am so gonna win!

Adam: I call your free pencils! No, wait, I'll take the cheesy picture. Oh gosh, they both sound so good!

( class bell rings )

Chase & Adam: Race ya'!

Leo: Oh, no. Science class is all the way at the other side of the school. If I'm late again, I'm gonna get detention. Unless...

Bree: Unless what?

Leo: I don't want to sound crazy, but can you use your bionic speed to rocket me over to science class while I ride on your back like a fighter pilot?

Bree: What? No way.

Leo: Pleeeaaase? It's the only way I'll make it on time.

Bree: Leo, I'm a girl, not a method of public transportation. Besides, no one can see me using my bionics.

Leo: But-- But there's no one around. Come on! If I don't make it, I'm gonna be in big trouble! Do you really want that on your conscience?

Bree: I can live with it.

Leo: Fine. I guess I just expected more from my... sister.

Bree: Okay, fine. But just this once. Hold on.

Leo: Ow.

Bree: What part of "hold on" did you not understand?

Leo: I'm sorry, this is my first time going "Bree-back" riding! Whoo-hoo!

. . .

Chase: Hey, vote for Chase. Tell your friends. Vote for Chase for Student of the Semester. Here's my website, where you can peruse my platform, marvel at my skills, or even play a game of Chase trivia, where all the answers are about me. Hey! What do you think?

Leo: What do I think, or what's appropriate to say to your face?

Bree: "Chase the dream"? Please do not give these to anyone I might want to become friends with.

Chase: I've got a whole plan. Check it out. I even linked the latest facial recognition software to the school database to create a laser automated attendance system.

Machine: Andrew Lamb has been late three days in a row.

Chase: Straight to the principal's office, Andy. He'll thank me later for putting him on the right path.

Adam: Oh, dude, you're never gonna win with that. Kids want fun stuff like jacuzzis in math class and hallways paved with candy. Ooh, and I also think biology would be a lot more fun if we could juggle the frogs before we dissected them.

Leo: That's frog abuse.

Adam: Fine, we'll do it after, but it's gonna get messy.

. . .

Adam: Ooh, turkey! Ooh! Gravy!

Machine: Step away from the gravy!

Adam: Don't tell me what to do, turkey!

Chase: Adam, that's my nutritional scanner, insuring that everyone gets a perfectly balanced... nutritious lunch.

Adam: Ohh. Chase, I don't think your scanner's a very good idea.

Chase: Of course it is! Who doesn't love being told how to eat properly?

( chime )

Machine: More green beans? Too many fries. A cupcake? Really? I wouldn't, but it's your health.

Adam: Chase, you're going about this all wrong. Let me help! Look, I know how to win you votes.

. . .

( dance music playing )

Adam: Everyone say hello to Deejay Chasey Chase!

Chase: Adam, what is going on?

Adam: I'm helping you win! Or should I say... ( amplified ) I'm helping you win!

Chase: I do not need a cheesy deejay setup!

Adam: I know. That's why I brought you this awesome deejay setup! It's a lunchtime dance party! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy! Go gravy!

. . .

( class bell rings )

Leo: Shoot! I'm gonna be late again! Hey, Bree, buddy, my beautiful bionic bestie. Is there any way you can spin those little toe wheels and shoot me over to science class again?

Bree: Sorry, I'm on my way to study hall with Ethan. We've got to go get ready for a big algebra test.

Ethan: Come on, Bree, we'd better go or we won't get seats together, and when I'm minus you, I'm negative.

Leo: Pleeeaaase? It'll only take a second. I'm feelin' the need-- the need for Bree speed.

Bree: Leo, I told you, I'm not your bionic taxi.

Leo: I didn't say you were a taxi. You're more like a cute little trolley without the bell and annoying stops.

Bree: I told you, no.

Leo: Hey! Why don't I just skip science class and hang out with you and Ethan? You know, we can study and laugh and talk all about how you perform the National Anthem with your armpit.

Bree: Ethan! Go to study hall. I'll meet you there.

Ethan: But I--

Bree: Go.

Ethan: Okay, but I'll be thinking about you the whole way there, my little coefficient.

Bree: Aww! One plus one equals you and me!

Ethan: ( chuckles ) Ohh!

Leo: You two have a weird little thing going on.

Bree: Hop on.

Leo: Hi-ho, silver! I mean, you know, whenever you're feelin' it. Whoo-hoo!

. . .

( whistling )

Chase: Hey!

Adam: Ooowww!

Chase: Adam, for the last time, that is not a giant lunchbox!

Adam: No! It's part of your new campaign to win Student of the Semester. I-- I mean you-- put a vending machine in study hall.

Chase: But those aren't even healthy foods. Is that Key Lime Pie?

Adam: I don't know. Gimme a buck and I'll find out.

Chase: They love it!

Adam: Of course they do. They're getting their meal from a machine. And you didn't think you needed my help. I'm totally gonna win this thing for you.

Chase: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're gonna win this thing for me?

Adam: Yeah, I just said that. Don't you think your sudden popularity has something to do with my ideas?

Chase: No. I think that people are finally realizing my campaign slogan, "Chase the dream," is about me. I am the dream! It works on a lot of levels. Don't hurt yourself.

Adam: But my strategy was ten times better. You can't just deal with the fact that I'm finally smarter at something than you are.

Chase: Oh, really? Ten times better? What'd you use, all your fingers and toes to count that one out?

Adam: You know what? You always treat me like an idiot. But not this time because I'm entering this contest, and I'm taking you down.

Chase: You wouldn't.

Adam: Are you not listening? I just said I would!

. . .

Chase: Here you go. Vote for Chase. Here you go. Vote for Chase. And don't forget to stop by the nurse's office for your free scoliosis screening, sponsored by... yours truly.

( horn honking )

Adam: 'Scuse me! Comin' through! Who wants to ride the High School Party Bus? Whoo-hoo!

Chase: Do you honestly believe that giving kids rides to class is gonna make them vote for you?

Adam: Who's going to class? We're just cruising the halls.

Chase: Hey, everyone, wouldn't you rather walk to class, knowing you're also fitting in 2% of your daily exercise requirement? No? Okay.

Adam: Attention, party-bussers! There will be no stops, so if you're looking for a ride to class, plan your jumps accordingly.

Leo: Well... My scientific polling, which consists of all your crumpled-up business cards in the trashcan shows that Adam is beating you by a comfortable margin

Chase: If I'm gonna compete with him, I have to start thinking like a simpleminded creature, one who goes through the day on basic instinct and random impulse, like a dog or a monkey or a sea slug.

Both: Or Adam.

. . .

Leo: Bree! You have to help me! I left my geometry homework at home. Can you run and get it-- You know, hop on the old "Bree-Way"?

Bree: I told you, I'm done running you around. I'm starting to get a Leo-sized dent in my back.

Leo: But if I don't turn in my homework, I'm gonna get an "F."

Bree: Well, then, maybe next time you'll be more responsible. Now, Ethan's coming. Go... be somewhere else.

Ethan: Hey, Leo. Where's Bree?

Leo: Bree... went home sick. Yes, she, uh, she hit her head... on the water fountain. It happens.

Ethan: She okay?

Leo: Oh, yeah, she's fine. She probably won't even remember it tomorrow. Don't bring it up!

Adam: Toot toot! Comin' through!

Leo: Hey! Have you taken a ride on the hallway party bus yet? It's just like a super-fun rollercoaster with a maniac at the wheel! Go. Go. Go, go, go, go. Nice. Hey, so, bad news-- I just ran into Ethan, and he can't meet up.

Bree: What? Why?

Leo: He had to go pluck his nose hairs. It was looking like a jungle up in there. So... Now will you go get my homework for me?

Bree: Fine. But wouldn't it just be a lot easier for me to zip into your geometry class, mark an "A" in the teacher's book, and then zip back out?

Leo: ...Hey!

Bree: Not gonna happen! Leo, I looked everywhere. I couldn't find your stupid homework.

Leo: What? Well, will you look at that? It was right here the whole time. You... have a nice day.

( horn blows )

( tires screech )

Adam: Here you go, sir, the corner of cafeteria and Bree.

Ethan: Bree? Leo said you went home.

Bree: What? He told me you were plucking your nose jungle. But... I'm glad you didn't because it's adorable.

Adam: Ugh. Guess I was wrong. This looks like the corner of awkward and gross.

. . .

Chase: Here you go. Enjoy your "Chee-ase" burger!

Adam: A hamburger cart? That's the best you got?

Chase: The only thing juicer than my burgers is what you're about to eat, which is a big, heaping pile of hot, tasty defeat.

Adam: Well, speaking of defeat, care for a foot rub?

Chase: What's that?

Adam: That is my 2-minute massage shop, winning hearts and minds ten toes at a time. Oh, go ahead, people. First come, first served. Mmm, good.

Chase: You know what? I've really had it with you.

Adam: Aww. What are you gonna do about it?

Chase: You know, you can't really enjoy a burger without a little ketchup on your buns.

( squishy sound )

Adam: Ha! Joke's on you. I kinda liked it.

. . .

Chase: Ah, this is it, the moment we've all been waiting for.

Adam: ( gasps ) They found a talking horse that fights crime?

Leo: No. It's the Student of the Semester results. Miss Thistle gets to open the results because she's the oldest teacher in school.

Chase: Oh, just give me the stupid thing! I mean... Let me help you, ma'am. Yes! Yes, yes, yes! I... tied with Adam?

Adam: Yes! I half-won!

Chase: Put me down.

( class bell rings )

Chase: There must be some mistake. Maybe you missed a few. Count again, please!

Leo: No, Chase, she's not gonna make it through another count. Oh, I've got to. My ride's here. Hi, Bree.

Bree: Let me guess: You need a lift?

Leo: Oh, well, I wouldn't want to impose on you. Let's go!

Bree: All right, hop on. Oh, but hold on tight. This one might get a little bumpy.

Leo: Wait. What? No, no, no, no, no, no! Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhhh! Aah! Are you crazy? I think I swallowed a June Bug!

Bree: What? You said you wanted a ride.

Leo: To math class, not Ohio!

Bree: I had to teach you a lesson, Leo. You totally took advantage of my bionics. And you lied to me and my little decimal point. I mean Ethan.

Leo: You're right. I'm sorry. I guess I deserved it. I just got a little carried away. Heh heh heh. With you carrying me away! Oh, come on. That's funny.

Chase: I can't believe we tied. Now we each have to write an essay to determine the winner.

Adam: Yeah, and when everyone at school reads my essay, I'm gonna be Student of the Semester.

Chase: Let me see that. It's just a bunch of badly drawn rocket ships.

Adam: Yeah, next page.

Chase: A tiny-headed guy with a big mouth?

Adam: Yeah, that's you. Next page.

Chase: "I, Adam Davenport, should be Student of the Semester." That's it?

Adam: What? It's sharp and to the point. Took me 25 minutes.

Chase: You know what? I'm not even worried because the winner's gonna be the one who can write the best essay, and we all know that's me.

Adam: You think you're so smart! Well, you may be a better writer, but I'm better...!

Chase: That's right. You got nothin'.

Adam: No, I got this.

( whirring sound )

Chase: Oh, you think you're so cool because you have lasers. Well, guess what-- I can fight back too!

Adam: Aaahhh!

Chase: Bull's-eye!

Adam: Rraaaahhhh!

Leo: Bree, should we do something?

Bree: Nah, they're bionic brothers. It's how they roll.

Chase: Aaahhhh!

( crash )

Bree: And fly.

Adam: Ha! I can still pin you in less than three seconds!

Chase: I'm good. He always plays the physical card. This contest was my thing, and he's trying to show me up.

Bree: He's not trying to show you up, he did show you up. Instead of giving him credit, you made him feel stupid, which is how you always make him feel.

Leo: Huh. Now I'm starting to think she's smarter than you too.

. . .

Adam: Hey, prepare yourself for the bitter taste of defeat, which I plan on spoon-feeding you in delightful, bite-sized portions every single time I see you.

Chase: Mm-hmm. Let's just see what happens.

Perry: And the Student of the Semester is... Adam Davenport!

Adam: Whoo-hoo! I beat you! Eat it! Eat the defeat! Open your mouth!

Chase: Okay, Adam.

Adam: Lick the spoon! Lick it!

Chase: All right! That's enough.

Bree: Uh, Chase, something's not right with Adam's essay. "I should be Student of the Semester because I'm tall, I'm happy, and I will let you have dogs in the library."

Chase: So? What's wrong with that?

Bree: Adam would have misspelled "Library." Adam would have misspelled "dogs."

Chase: Okay, fine. I wrote it, put his name on it, and tanked my own essay. He had good ideas and deserved to win. So I got one "A-minus." I guess I can't be perfect at everything.

Bree: Chase, that's not true. You're not perfect at a lot of things.

Chase: Hey, Adam, congratulations. The best man won. And it was wrong of me to make you feel like you weren't smart enough to win.

Adam: Yes, it was, it was very scrumptious of you.

Chase: "Presumptuous."

Adam: That as well.

( horn honks )

Leo: Hey, Bree, good news! I found a new way to make it to class on time! Let's do it!

Adam: Buckle up, guys! I'm hitting the afterburner all the way to art class!

( jet roars, tires squeal )

. . .

Leo: Are you sure you're not upset about Adam beating you for Student of the Semester?

Chase: Yeah, a little bit. But I'll get over it.

( laughter )

Chase: Yeah, I'm over it.

Adam: Hey! I was gonna do that!

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